When you think about spicing things up in the bedroom, or being more adventurous overall, it's easy to think that you're doing it mainly to benefit your partner, especially if you've been together for a really long time. Truth be told, it benefits you just as much. (If not more.) Exploring your inner sensuality is a great journey of self-discovery, and a lot of fun to boot. When I wonder, "How can I be more adventurous in the bedroom," I'm also trying to find out more about myself and my confidence and how that can translate into being more adventurous outside of the bedroom and more connected to my partner overall.
Becoming more sexually adventurous isn't something you can expect to happen overnight. Many of us, especially those of us who grew up under religious mandates regarding proper sexuality and mired in the shame of sexual taboos, find that it's not easy to push through the initial sexual insecurity we feel to find a deeper sexual awareness within ourselves. However, with meditation, communication, and education, you can ease your way into a more adventurous, fulfilling sex life. It will take a lot of hard work, including meditation, building up your confidence, and finding what arouses you, but as long as you're up for it, you're good to go.
I spoke with marriage and family therapist and tantra expert, Taj Freyer, author of the upcoming book Healing With Tantra (April 2018), and she said that much of finding your adventurous side begins from within. She tells Romper that many women find meditation helpful — a very specific sort of meditation, that I've honestly never considered before today. "If you've never meditated in the nude, before, it's really freeing. Sit comfortably, preferably in front of a mirror, and appreciate your body. That's really hard for women to do, but your body is more than just a shell. It's erogenous zones, scent production, and your inner sexual strength on display each time you blush or swell in arousal."
She notes that women are often given toward a lack of self-confidence in the bedroom because of the ridiculous expectations society and the media make of us. But in reality, sexuality is so individual that it takes coming back into yourself, apart from those influences, to find your own inner sex kitten. "Once you realize that all of that is just static and noise, and that all that matters is what's happening between your own ears, what's happening or will happen between your legs becomes much simpler." Freyer suggests reading some X-rated fiction or watching some femme positive porn to determine what it is that turns your crank. You might discover you're more intrigued by bondage or spanking than you thought. Chances are, if you're curious how to get out of your shell, you could use some inspiration.
Freyer says that once you're more in tune with yourself, then and only then should you involve your partner. "Be open with them, communicate that you want to be more sensual, more exciting with them. Talk to them about what interests you. You can go to a class, or maybe indulge in porn together." She also suggests laying a foundation for excitement by sending dirty texts or leaving sexy notes for your partner, noting that the brain is the biggest sexual organ, and priming it means priming your whole self for pleasure.
"Props also help. Sexy lingerie or clothing that makes you feel powerful are strong aphrodisiacs for women. If you feel strong and sexy, you're more likely to pull out all the stops when it comes time to join with your mate." I know that personally, when I feel attractive, I'm much more confident, and therefore more ready to be a sensual creature, even if I've otherwise been reticent. I've only recently started exploring lingerie, encouraged by two romance author friends. My husband has not been displeased at the results, but more importantly, I feel sexier in them.
When asking Freyer how I can become more adventurous in the bedroom, she said that with confidence comes curiosity, and with curiosity comes adventure. Then, I guess, everyone just comes.
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