For me, each pregnancy I have experienced has been a new adventure — in being uncomfortable, emotional, and sick, that is. It seemed like I had every pregnancy complication in the book, from anemia and hyperemesis gravidarum to preterm labor and preeclampsia. Um, why me? I mean, was karma to blame or was it something in my DNA? Or maybe it's possible to predict how your pregnancy will be based on your Zodiac sign. I thought I would take a look at mine and see, because at this point I will believe damn near anything if it gives me a reason why my pregnancies have been glorified dumpster fires.
I consulted the profiles at Astrology Zodiac Signs, and while I was seriously skeptical, mine was surprisingly spot on. I am a Cancer, which means I'm tenacious, imaginative, sympathetic, and persuasive, which all sounds perfectly accurate, if I do say so myself. However, on the other hand, Cancers are known to be more than a bit emotional and very pessimistic, which is also true for me, especially when I am pregnant. Maybe that explains my raging pregnancy hormones, causing me to bawl when watching This Is Us or pretty much any commercial featuring kids or baby animals. It also makes sense when you consider how depressed I got during my pregnancies, and how seriously I worried that they would last forever.
If my astrological profile was this damn accurate, I'm pretty convinced others' are, too. So if you are expecting your own little bundle of joy, read on to find out just how miserable (or pleasantly surprised) you are going to be until you bring that baby (or babies!) into the world.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
I'm sorry to say that if you're a Capricorn, you might be in for a terrible pregnancy (or, you know, it will at least seem pretty goddamn terrible to you). According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, people with this sign are responsible and disciplined, but also unforgiving and have a tendency to expect the worst. The site lists their dislikes as "almost everything at some point," so you might want to start expecting the worst.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
If you were born under the sign of Aquarius, you're likely to be friendly and smart, but you also probably hate being bored. This might make for a pregnancy that's anything but boring. Get ready for a few surprise symptoms, and maybe even a surprise baby, when you least expect it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Pisces are known for their relentless compassion and gentle nature. However, they're also scared of pretty much anything. Prepare to call your doctor or midwife at every strange feeling, ache, or pain. Don't worry if they seem annoyed by your frequent inquiries and questions. It's better to be safe than sorry.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, Aries are passionate, enthusiastic, determined folks with a tendency to be impatient and aggressive. You are likely to be the mom-to-be who expects pregnancy to go exactly like your pregnancy app says it will. When it's time to deliver, you may have some pretty specific requests for your birth plan, all of which are necessary for your ideal birth.
My advice to you, dear Aries: make peace with the idea that pregnancy doesn't always (or even generally) go as planned.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Reliable, patient, and stubborn, a Taurus will want their baby to come exactly on their due date, because they hate being late and always try to make sure everything goes according to plan. A Taurus is also sensual, and known for loving soft, natural fabrics, so you'd best invest in some cozy maternity clothes.
They also have a tendency to over-indulge in foods, though, so you might expect some weird pregnancy cravings. Better stock up on some ice cream, my friend.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Geminis are known to be curious and affectionate, and also indecisive and anxious. According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, Geminis are twins and are known to have dual personalities. You might expect to question every pregnancy symptom you end up enduring. Was that a contraction or just bad gas? Should you head to the hospital or wait it out? Call your doctor, or consult Google? Yeah, you get the idea.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
As a Cancer, I have to admit that I am a little bit biased. I mean, clearly it's the best sign of the Zodiac. So what if we have a tendency to be moody and emotional? It just means that we are empathetic and nurturing, which is pretty much required to be a good mom. We also have a tendency to cry at commercials (especially the one with the biracial family, the one with the gay dads, or pretty much any with Clydesdale horses). I might be tearing up a little right now just thinking about it, and I'm not even pregnant.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, Leos can be self-centered and stubborn, which under normal circumstances might be considered a fault, but when you are pregnancy is absolutely OK. You are literally growing a human in your body and you deserve a little TLC, so go ahead and ask for what you need. Just, you know, try not to be too hard on people if they aren't able to give you everything you want.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Virgos are known for being shy, so you might be taken aback by the vast number of people who will ask you inappropriate questions about your pregnancy and want to touch your pregnant belly. Don't be afraid to ask for some damn privacy, dear Virgo. It's your body, and your business, after all.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, Libras have a tendency to want to be fair and please everyone. So don't be surprised if you decide to consider everyone's thoughts about baby names, registries, and nursery decor before making any choices. On the other side of the scale, Libras can be really indecisive. Remember that you only have 10 months (give or take) to make up your damn mind. No pressure or anything.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
According to Astrology Zodiac, people born under the Scorpio sign are passionate and assertive, but also calm and fierce, which can really come in handy when you are pregnant. You won't be shy to request what you and your baby need and will stay calm in times of crisis. Here's hoping that your pregnancy is as calm and cool as you, Scorpio mom-to-be.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
According to Astrology Zodiac Signs, Sagittarius-born people have a tendency to be an impatient bunch. Your last trimester of pregnancy is bound to feel like it lasts 12 months and will, inevitably, make you wish your baby would just show up already. On the bright side, you also have a great sense of humor, so when things get weird, as they often do during pregnancy, you will find a way to laugh it off.
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