The Elf on the Shelf is a seemingly innocent tradition, but so is decorating cookies with your children and we all know how that turns out. The book that accompanies the elf your family adopts makes no mention of your elf wreaking havoc on your plumbing by flushing marshmallows down the toilet or coating your kitchen with weirdly impossible to clean up flour, but it also doesn't mention that your Elf on the Shelf can get pregnant with just one Etsy purchase, and seriously, what are parents even doing?
We're creating magic here, people! And sometimes magic looks like tiny, adorable plastic elves that appear overnight in the arms of your happy Elf on the Shelf. In a random stroke of festive goodwill, I decided to see what else was out there for our elf to do other than waste the good toilet paper from Costco on the stairs, and I stumbled across an entire Etsy listing for baby elves. Baby! Elves! And accessories! (Which are not licensed Elf on the Shelf products, it must be noted. You can find official Elf on the Shelf merchandise on the brand's website.)
There are literally tiny bottles for your elf to feed their tiny, rosy-cheeked offspring, and it's all miniature Christmas goodness. For a minute, I wondered if there was also some kind of costume pack you could buy for your elf that came with a giant belly (I had a doll that had this when I was a kid and the baby nestled upside down in a pouch of her maternity dress waiting to be expelled. It did me absolutely no service when it came time to birth my own baby), but it seems we're going to skip the whole biology part and just blame it on Santa. Santa gifting the elves with a baby that is, not impregnating your elf.
Etsy shop My Magical Moments Elf has a ton of accessories for your Elf on the Shelf, but the baby pack includes an elf baby dressed in red; a crib; a high chair; an accessory kit with bottle, bib, and pacifier; and a set of clothes in either pink and purple or green and blue. Guys, I'm a fan of miniatures, and I am thisclose to ordering this baby pack (for just $17) and surprising my 5-year-old with our brand new elf family. She just told me yesterday that she wanted our elf, Slinky, to come with a girl elf this year, and it feels like the perfect way to talk about what happens when two felt and vinyl elves love each other very much.
The problem here is now you have to figure out the rules. How did your elf get pregnant? Do the babies just show up one morning on a candy cane? Can the baby elves be touched? Do they have magic, too? Does this mean there are a dozen eyes watching your children at all times? That's where your own creativity comes in, parents. Pinterest did not have a Pregnant Elf Handbook available.
Honestly, you could use these baby elves to prove to your children that mothers are the ultimate multitaskers. Think your elf didn't see you hit your brother because they were rocking their baby? Think again, my friend. This ain't no straight-out-of-the-north-pole elf. This elf has been up all night reporting to Santa with a whiny baby elf on their hip — they have zero time for your reindeer games.
So if you're wondering how to make your Elf on the Shelf pregnant, the answer is you just... get a baby? And then they're pregnant and can enjoy all the not-so-silent nights you're currently suffering at the hands of your own tiny spawn. (Which you very decidedly did not order from Etsy, alas.)
Editor's note: This post has been updated.