Ivanka Trump's much-hyped book Women Who Work: Rewriting the Rules For Success was released earlier this week. The book is being touted as a how-to guide for millennial women trying to find the balance between work and their personal lives. Yet despite her best attempts to have us believe otherwise, Ivanka Trump is not exactly known for being relatable to many working mothers and women.
We managed to get our hands on an unedited portion of the manuscript, to see what Ivanka's tips for workplace success look like without the benefit of an editor. (Okay, fine, we made it up.)
Women Who Work, by Ivanka Trump: 1st Draft
(Note: Ask lawyers if phrase "women who work" can be trademarked. Question: can one own copyright on general concept of women having jobs?]
As professional women, we know we have to try extra hard to be taken seriously in business. When I showed up for my first day at work and headed to my corner office, it was difficult to get anyone to take me seriously because my last name was on the building, etched in all the gold garbage cans and on the gilt mirrors in the bathroom. But I've worked hard to get from the penthouse I grew up in, to the 7,000-square foot home I live in now.
It's important to have your coworkers respect you. But at the same time you don't want to come across as shrill — or, God forbid, like a nasty woman.
I firmly believe that women need to support each other in all aspects of their lives. From CEOs to housekeepers, our goals are exactly the same. This means cheering each other on in the workplace, as well as at the dressage competition. It's not easy, but it is possible. Here are my tips for being a successful Woman Who Works (copyright pending).
Let them know who's boss.
It's important to have your coworkers respect you. But at the same time you don't want to come across as shrill — or, God forbid, like a nasty woman. You should have opinions about important issues, but it's crucial that you don't actually state your position on a topic, even when asked directly about it. Remember, the key to a woman's power is a sense of mystery.
It's vital not to let your emotions get in the way of business. Use the time from when your driver picks you up at home to when you arrive at the office to practice controlling your facial expressions. I like to rehearse keeping my eyebrows perfectly still while I'm talking. It's the only way to be taken seriously.
The way you present yourself to the world matters. That's why, if you don't like the clothes in stores, you should take control of your personal style. Fire your personal shopper, your stylist, and your assistant for good measure. Hire new ones and make a fresh start. If that fails, hire people to design your own line of overpriced pastel sheath dresses.
Regular exercise and being physically healthy is essential for keeping you focused and mentally clear, so you can fully engage in the work that you do. I recommend a quick, daily 10K through the mountains of Peru and bi-weekly one-on-one yoga sessions on an island off the coast of Tahiti with a man who's rumored to be 1/18 dolphin.
There's something empowering about wearing clothing with your own name on it. That confidence will carry over into the boardroom. Wear your own clothes and accessories whenever you're going to be photographed in public, and remember that part of being successful is always staying on brand. Hire the cheapest labor possible, but have talking points ready for anyone who might bring up the word "sweatshop." You're an entrepreneur providing much needed jobs, and you should be proud of that.
Regular exercise and being physically healthy is essential for keeping you focused and mentally clear, so you can fully engage in the work that you do. I recommend a quick, daily 10K through the mountains of Peru and bi-weekly one-on-one yoga sessions on an island off the coast of Tahiti with a man who's rumored to be 1/18 dolphin. Tell your chef that you refuse to eat any food with protein, fat, carbs, or anything that begins with the letter "M." A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if your father would be willing to date you if you weren't genetically related. If the answer is yes, you know you're in good shape.
Family always comes first.
Your children should always be your top priority. It might seem impossible to both spend quality time with your children while climbing that corporate ladder, but if your staff of nannies, housekeepers, and assistant nannies and housekeepers is working as hard as you are, it can be done.
Always be authentic.
As a new mom, I struggled to show my authentic self to my coworkers. I was worried that they would see my new identity as a mom as proof that I could no longer negotiate business deals with my usual tenacity. [Note: ask editor if readers will understand the word "tenacity"?] But I realized the best thing I could do was be true to who I was, and I'm a devoted mother. If I have to pause a meeting to FaceTime the nanny to give her the recipe for my daughter's afternoon chia avocado smoothie, the board will understand.
Family affairs should be always kept private, unless they can be used to enhance your personal brand on Instagram.
Make sure your household staff signs a non-disclosure agreement. Family affairs should be always kept private, unless they can be used to enhance your personal brand on Instagram.
Self-care is important.
How you feel on the inside reflects how you look on the outside. Don't feel guilty for taking time to yourself. Make a standing appointment for that spa that specializes in cactus massages performed in rhythm to '00s boy band music. Make the time to take your private jet to Clinique La Prairie in Switzerland, because their violet and eucalyptus essence vaginal steam really is the best in the world. Both your children and your coworkers will be able to sense when you're stressed or not at the top of your game.
Being a successful woman in the workplace isn't easy, but with these tools, you can be just like me — a woman who made her way to the top of the ladder by being fully self-reliant. [Note: ask editor if readers will understand "self-reliant?"]