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Don't Panic — Trader Joe's Has Some Easter Hours For Last Minute Bagel Seasoning

For some, the Easter holiday can stir up some pretty heavy philosophical questions. What is the true nature of belief and faith? Will my toddler notice that I forgot to buy candy and have filled his basket with stale Cheez-Its and a copy of The Time Traveler's Wife? And is it possible to truly glory in a day of rebirth and renewal when one is out of Sweet Basil Foaming Hand Soap? Fortunately, this last question need not lay heavy upon anyone's mind... Trader Joe's will be open Easter 2019. It's true! People may now celebrate the Lord's resurrection by standing in a slow-moving line of scowling people clutching soy chorizo. If they so wish.

Easter brings with it so many joys. Religious celebration, staining one's hands with purple egg dye, and an excuse to dress the entire family in bright yellow pants. For many, the Trader Joe's news shall be further cause for rejoicing, as the "Line This Way" sign holder is as close as they ever get to communing with a sacred leader.

All stores will be open until 5 p.m. on April 21, according to the Trader Joe's website. Except for in Portland, Maine, where the stores will be closed. Presumably because the good people of Portland like to dance on the edge of fear, in a world where they don't have immediate access to Danish Kringle.

For anyone in an Easter candy panic who doesn't think their child will appreciate stale Cheez-its or Audrey Niffenegger, Trader Joe's does have some cute Easter candy alternatives. There are Gourmet Jelly Beans and Candy-Coated Chocolate Peanuts, both of which get their rainbow hues from fruits and vegetables, and are free of artificial dyes. There are Ruby Cacao Wafers, whose pastel pink prettiness will look lovely perched upon a bed of faux grass. The store also carries Black Licorice Treads, which is black licorice flavored with real licorice extract, aniseed oil, and made from molasses and what I am guessing is Satan's ear wax, because that is what black licorice tastes like to me.

Last minutes food runs aside, the aisles of Trader Joe's can also be used as a peaceful sanctuary after one has gotten into an argument with their brother-in-law Ryan during Easter dinner about the realities of climate change. The store offers a safe space where one may stand in silence in the frozen food section and meditatively squeeze a bag of Mandarin Orange Chicken while pretending it is Ryan's face.

Perhaps this year, to be more eco-conscious (and to further antagonize idiot Ryan), one can get clever with their egg hunt and avoid the waste of hiding plastic eggs, and the even bigger waste of boiling 900 eggs no one wants to eat. Why not hide Trader Joe's Teeny Tiny Avocados for the kiddos? Yes, children will likely never find the green vegetables nestled in the green lawn, and the yard will soon be overrun with guac-loving vermin. But they will be adorable Easter vermin!

According to Country Living, there will in fact be other stores with Easter hours. Home Depot, Walmart, and Bass Pro Shop are among the other establishments opening the doors wide, thoughtfully keeping their patrons from being short of power saws and cross bows on this holiest of days.

And of course there will be other grocers, like Kroger. But unlike Kroger, Trader Joe's is unlikely to have someone stalking children in a terrifying bunny suit. So one can take the money they'd need for future therapy appointments, and instead load up on peanut butter-filled pretzels.