Paramount Pictures/Grease

It's Scorpio Season

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The leaves hath turned a bloody red, your face has found its autumnal pallor, and somewhere a tiny child born under this sign is lying facedown in a Target screaming. It's Scorpio season, binches, and whether or not you were born under a dagger-tailed desert invertebrate, an air of possibility is upon if you're willing to embrace the furious and passionate part of yourself governed by the southernmost constellation.

The first thing to know about Scorpio season: From now until November 23, it's a Scorpio's world, and we're just living in it. Often derided as secretive, charismatic manipulators who use their strong sexual energy and icy-hot rage to hold sway over their loved ones, victims, and loved ones/victims, Scorpios get a bad rap. Are Scorpios intense? Yes. Are they intimidating? Also yes. Should we all live in fear of the fact that this star sign is quietly plotting world domination? For sure, but there's also a lot we can learn from our Scorpio brethren as women and mothers (especially you, Aquarius — toughen UP).

We pointy souls are at our best and sharpest when Scorpio is nigh, so let me, a congenitally intense soul, teach you how to avail yourself of your stinger during this magical zodiac event, no matter which house your moon falls under.

My general advice for how to embrace Scorpio season. Shutterstock

Note that from Halloween until November 20, Mercury also goes into retrograde, so yes, you will be dealing with sugar-fueled children and a Mercury retrograde for the better part of an entire month. Let's celebrate, shall we? Here's how.

Bring out yer grudges. Some of us keep them in a box under our bed or in the back of our closet, but wherever you keep your grudges, this is the season to air them out and revel in all the pettiness, which coincidentally is the butter to a Scorpio's trademark toast: horrifying anger. Now is the time to remember every person under the sun who has ever done you wrong: the La Leche League lady who suggested you spend every spare second of your day pumping to "build up a store"? Highlight her page in the Burn Book, my friend. The man in CVS who gave your toddler side-eye during a run-of-the-mill checkout tantrum (who here among us...)? An effigy of his likeness will be scribbled on with nonwashable marker.

This is Scorpio season — a red lip signals to everyone that you are, indeed, 100% that bitch, and answer only to Mars.

Embrace your fall wardrobe. Whoever is looking at you should be unsure if they're frightened or turned on; there should be some question as to whether you are coming home from a dominatrix gig or a coven meeting. Some specific recommendations are as follows:

  • Lots of, or exclusively, black clothing
  • Jewelry that looks like either a weapon or armor (moms of infants and grabby toddlers, proceed with caution)
  • Similarly dangerous-looking shoes
  • Leather (or its vegan equivalent, though since Scorpios routinely eat human hearts I can't imagine wearing a cow is going to be an issue)

Red lip, classic. Now is not the season for tasteful pinks or subtle nudes in lipstick (unless we're talking about the subtle nudes you send to your partner when they're not expecting them). This is Scorpio season — a red lip signals to everyone that you are, indeed, 100% that bitch, and answer only to Mars.

Kick mom-shamey nonsense to the curb. You have an exoskeleton, remember: guilt and judgement beads right off! Take this as permission to reduce your bathing-toddlers schedule to twice per week. We don't need to PRETEND anymore.

Bring out yer ugly crying. And here we see the true beauty of the elemental Scorpio: the bad bitch who is secretly extremely sensitive and just wants to be loved and understood. Lean into that by melting into a puddle of feelings and tears when no one is looking. Designate a special pillow to scream into — as a mother, I tend to keep one around anyway, but now you can really let 'er have it.

It's OK to give into your need for this kind of emotional release. It's been a year you guys, and we're in the homestretch. Nothing is going to give you the boost you need to cross the finish line like unleashing your inner scorpion. Pluto and Mars are filling your sails, so give the f*ck in to the hard-ass energy for the next month. \m/