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Mom Group Drama Isn't Complete Without These 7 People

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Yes, on paper, mom group drama isn't great. We should be supporting each other and blah, blah, blah. Who among us doesn't love some piping hot tea from time to time, though? I ask you.

Especially when you’re postpartum and the most exciting thing that happened to you recently is that you, very briefly, went outside, the absurd drama of a mom group can serve as respite for your adult interaction-starved soul. It's like eating frosting right out of the can: you know you shouldn't, you know it's not good for you, too much will definitely make you sick, but a little bit is so delicious.

So if you are the type of person who can commit to remaining above the fray, or at least under the radar, the drama (which absolutely decreases over time, by the way) of a mom group can be amazing. Here's the hullaballoo you can expect, because all groups will experience most if not all of the following:

1. The Mom Who Found Out About The Secret Spin-Off Group (Sh*t)

The absurd drama of a mom group can serve as entertaining respite for your weary soul. Shutterstock

Like a caterpillar quietly forming a chrysalis only to gloriously emerge as a butterfly, the forming of a secret spin-off group is practically written into the life cycle of any group of new moms online. If you're like me, you may think: "OK. That seems reasonable enough. Some like-minded people have found one another and wanted to create a separate space. Cool."

Do you know who disagrees with that sentiment? Basically every mom who was not included in the spinoff group.

Accusations of betrayal are flung about like beads at Mardi Gras. Everyone is accusing everyone else of starting the drama in the first place. Someone invariably says, "This is exactly why we started another group!" Bonus points for screen shots.

It is so deliciously middle school and, as much as you hate to see grown-ass women fight, you actually really do love to see it.

2. The One Lady Who Tells It Like It Is

If you're in an online mom group, you probably have already connected at least one person that fits this description. This is the mom who "doesn't sugar coat" things. The mom who "keeps it real." The mom who prides herself on being "brutally honest" but seems to revel far more in the brutality than the honesty. The mom who starts a solid half of the drama (usually with one or two other women who always have her back), and who accuses everyone else of starting drama when they take the bait.

In wrestling, the bad guy is called "the heel," and the whole point of those characters is that we all love to be irritated by them. If you can see this lady in those terms, she stops being hurtful and just becomes pure entertainment. (In my experience, given time, these people definitely chill out. My working theory is that over time they fully appreciate how difficult parenting is and show a little bit of charity toward others.)

3. That One Mom Who Is Suspiciously Good At Creeping On People

"Hey, this is a long shot," someone asks, "but does anyone know how I can look into this guy named John Smith?"

"Got him. He was born February 18, 1983. His middle name is Horatio. His address is 1320 Sagebrush Lane. In 1999 he was arrested for shoplifting at Hot Topic but got off with community service because he was a minor. He currently has a girlfriend named Sandy and they're thinking about getting married, but he's nervous about the commitment because his parents announced their divorce the same day he asked his fifth-grade girlfriend to go steady. His secret fear is being called on for The Price Is Right."

And you're sitting there like, "Damn, Tammy. How did you do that?"

And Tammy never tells you how she did it. But from that point on Tammy is who you turn to if you need to find someone. You all live in fear that she has looked you up.

4. The Mom Who's Always Making Dramatic "Let's Get Along" Speeches

Drama of some sort happens. It could be any drama. Screen shots. Politics. Anything. The comments on the original thread are in the triple digits. You've been refreshing the page, regularly, following along. Just as it's all beginning to die down, someone starts a new thread urging everyone to get along, saying, "We are grow women! We are mothers! This isn't high school!"

And it starts all over again.

Bless her heart, because she's trying, but in trying she's making it all so much worse.

5. The Mom Who Never Forgets Past Drama

Here come the screenshots, my friends. Because this mom is not above plastering the receipts in the group and you just have to hope to God that you're not involved so that you can sit back and appreciate the raging volcano of overtired, postnatal hormones that are about to erupt, destroying everything in its path.

It is so deliciously middle school and, as much as you hate to see grown-ass women fight, you actually really do love to see it.

6. The Mom Who Has Opinions On The Big Five

Mom groups, you're absolutely bonkers, but long may you reign. paul prescott/Shutterstock

This mom has opinions on the five evergreen subjects of drama in any online parenting group: how to birth your baby, how to feed your baby, circumcision, vaccinations, and sleep training. The Big Five will generally be most vehement earlier in one's parenting career but, under the right circumstances, they can often be dusted off and used again and again, like a plastic Christmas tree you keep in the basement.

And, look, it is completely reasonable to have strong opinions on any of these issues. And most of us are able to have our opinions without going to war over them, realizing that there's rarely one way of doing things. But some people, emboldened by the keyboard that stands between them and their opponent, will smear warpaint on their face and start swinging swords at the least provocation. (Or just start sh*t in the name of "caring about what's best for our precious babies!")

You may think each of these issues deserves its own description but, really, it's the same thing over and over: back-and-forth pontification where no one will ever change anyone's mind and everyone gets offended and upset. And yet we all, at some point, for at least one of these topics, jump in. It's like mom Fight Club — sometimes you just have something inside of you that needs to come out.

7. The Mom Who Breaks Down In Filthy, Wonderful Gratitude

And, of course, there's the super emotive mom who makes everything melodramatic but also makes you realize this whole mom thing can be pretty great. She has big feelings and she shares them on the regular, happy to cheer moms on and thank the moms who cheer her in return. When you want to sit and sulk about some spilt milk (literally), this mom will remind you that, hey, it happens and at least you are able to breastfeed in the first place, right? And sure that can be annoying AF, but her gratitude gives you some perspective when you often need it most.

Mom groups, you're absolutely bonkers, but long may you reign.