Photo courtesy of Rochaun Meadows-Fernandez

I Don't Like Being In My Pregnant Body — It Makes Me Anxious

Romper's Trying project follows five women with very different stories through a year of trying to conceive. Where discussions about fertility often focus on the end goal, they'll document what it's like emotionally, physically, and spiritually before you get there — the anxiety, the hope, the ovulation kits, the tests. How do you function when getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term isn't a given? Read on for one woman's answer to that question.

Ambreia has a 2-year-old son and has been trying for a second child for a year and a half. This is the seventh installment of her Trying diary. You can read the previous entry here.

This past month was complete chaos. Work demands are increasing, which is good for bills but bad for stress. And I had a full-on emotional breakdown. At first, I was crying because I was overwhelmed with tasks and didn’t know how I would manage come December. Then before I knew it I was blubbering because I know how stress impacts the body and by consequence the baby. Knowing better but not doing better left me feeling super guilty. But it’s so hard to “take it easy” when you’ve lived a life filled with anxiety. My pregnant body feels totally new, but not in a good way — it's been a source of stress. I took a photo of my pregnant belly, but I couldn't handle seeing my face in the shot. That's the mood right now.

Interestingly, the only thing that calms me down, is seeing and feeling her move about. She’s a really active child. It’s been so cool to go from the small uncertain flutters to full-on gut punches. Ok, it’s been painful as heck.. But it’s still been pretty cool.

You’d think it would be easier because I’d been through all of this before — it’s not. I feel like this pregnancy experience is completely different from my last. Who knew three years could make that huge of a difference?

The entire experience feels brand new. The only thing I can clearly remember being similar to my pregnancy with McChub is the sickness I feel if I’m not constantly stuffing my face.

McHubs says I should work taking more time for myself. I’m grateful for him but he doesn’t understand my mind is constantly producing pregnancy 'what ifs' and working is one of the few things that distracts me.

I spent a lot of days this month wondering if I should put McChub in daycare at least part-time. I work from home, so it’s not an expense I want to accrue. At the same time, things seem like they get harder each day. By the time my husband gets off work, I’ve had a minimum of eight hours lugging a 40-pound toddler around, walking up and down the stairs (gotta love potty training), and trying not to work myself to death.

There’s such a thin line between being an ambitious mom and being a workaholic. McHubs says I should work taking more time for myself. I’m grateful for him but he doesn’t understand my mind is constantly producing pregnancy "what ifs" and working is one of the few things that distracts me.

The overarching theme of this month has been guilt. I feel guilty for considering sending him to childcare. I feel guilty for not sending him to childcare cause I wonder if he’s getting the simulation he deserves. I feel guilty that I have such a short fuse these days. But most of all, I feel bad that I’m stressing and complaining about such small things when there are mothers, like my own, who did this alone and found ways to make it work.

I’ve been working on getting more organized with work and cleaning. I hope I can manage the demands of two children, keep growing in my career, and not have the house look like crap.

But it a realistic goal? Do people really find ways to “have it all” and not completely lose it?

I’m really excited to meet our little girl, and I want to do what’s best for McChub. I’m just really nervous about having two children and juggling a career.

Guess what?! I keep growing this month. Even my leggings are too small. I tried to stick to my walking schedule but the chafing made it pretty difficult. I got online and looked for clothes but that left me more confused. When looking for pregnancy fitness clothes, do you follow the “get your same size, only in maternity styles” rule if you’re a little over halfway done and have gained over 30 pounds almost exclusive in your thighs and boobs?

And why the hell are all the maternity models so skinny with flat tummies? What are they? Like three days pregnant? Screw it. I’ll just melt into the couch and transform into a potato. It’s hard to breathe with regular things. I should probably just take it easy.

I’m thisssss close *imagine index and thumb making a pinching gesture* to being in my third trimester. I can not believe in the span of four months I have gone from uncertainty and depression to full on love-filled anticipation. So many emotions hit me at once, I bet she’s gonna be so amazing.

I don’t care if I have to gain 100 pounds (please don’t make me take that challenge, Lord) and never send McChub to childcare again. I want to do everything I can to keep this baby girl healthy and growing so she’s ready to meet us.

I’m sitting here waiting for her with open arms and an even wider heart.