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My Super Honest, Very Accurate Birth Plan

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Please find below my preferences for treatment before, during, and after delivery of my child, the child who was foretold (by me, to my husband, nine months ago). This birth plan for a hospital delivery should be read by all parties who will be involved in the labor, medically or Instagrammatically.

Those I Want Present At Birth

🔘 Partner

🔘 Doctor

🔘 A doula, if anyone isn't using theirs and wants to lend them for a couple hours

⚪ Under no circumstances do I want my mother-in-law present, no matter how many times she expresses curiosity in the "miracle of childbirth" or disappointment at being unconscious through her own deliveries.

Notes: This directive extends to communication about the progress of my cervix on group text messages from and to my mother-in-law. There is to be no graphic discussion of, or GIFs regarding, the use of Foley balloon catheters, or use of the word "catheter" in iMessage.

The Baby’s Name

Although we have settled on a name, I would like initial paperwork to identify the child as [Baby Surname], lest word gets out and someone steals it. I will not be responding to rumors that the baby is named for a member of N*Sync at this time. Once the baby is born and its Insta hashtag has been announced, the name is to be embroidered on tiny hats and screen printed onto family t-shirts.

You can find a full branding plan in my Etsy cart.

Enemas

⚪ I would like a prenatal enema.

🔘 I decline a prenatal enema, but you may have one if you would like.

Episiotomies

⚪ I am interested in an episiotomy.

🔘 Do not even think about it.

Notes: I would like you to refrain from cutting my perineum prior to delivery, as massage is a perfectly reasonable alternative and you chose this field, not me. Failing three hours of tender bum massaging while I push, you may do whatever it takes to get this damn baby out of me, including and not limited to: an episiotomy, playing "It's Rainin' Men" loudly on repeat, or flushing the baby out from above like a Slip 'n' Slide.

Pain Relief

⚪ I would like to deliver with pharmacological pain relief.

🔘 I would like to deliver without pharmacological pain relief.

Notes: I do not want to be offered pharmacological pain relief, nor hear the attending stage-whisper to my husband, “Does she need pain relief, because I think that birthing ball can’t take much more.”

The only pain relief I would like administered is Bon Iver played at a peaceful level, or, at most, nitrous oxide — just enough that it takes the edge off but not so much I start to believe I'm in the movie Labyrinth. If the nitrous oxide proves to be inadequate, I would like the very best epidural my insurance will cover. The good stuff. Like, whatever is covered by Congressional insurance plans. The pain relief should be strong enough I begin to wonder if I'm not floating above the hospital bed and/or dating a member of N*Sync.

There will be no more use of the Tibetan singing bowls once I have commenced hard drugs.

It is recommended that you give me the drugs that I will initially refuse an hour before I ask for them, because I have a high pain tolerance and medically unseen levels of pride.

After the baby is delivered, the resident is to cue up Enigma’s "Return To Innocence" on the portable CD player.

Fetal Monitoring and Movement

🔘 Intermittent

⚪ Continuous

🔘 I'd like the nurse to just lean her head in and say, "haaaaay" once in a while

Notes: I would like intermittent monitoring so that I can walk to and fro from the secret stash of food my husband hid in the Go bag untethered from an IV. I am requesting a hep-lock so that I can freely snoop on my neighbors while waiting for my cervix to get its act together.

Cord-Blood Banking

⚪ Yes

🔘 Too late

This was one brochure too many for me and I guess my answer is no because I was too busy googling hypobirth videos to find out what this is.

C-Section

🔘 Do what you gotta do

Notes: Ideally, if I need to have a c-section, this decision won't be made after I've already endured 10 hours of back labor.

Skin-To-Skin Contact

I would like the baby to be placed on my chest:

⚪ as soon as possible after birth

🔘 as soon as the baby is dressed in a hat — I should concurrently be reassured that there is "not a cone head in sight."

Notes: Everyone is to quietly murmur, "That is the toughest mother I ever saw" in reverence while the debris of childbirth is cleaned up around me. A member of the attending will apply a CC cream to my screaming pores.

Post-Birth Meal

⚪ A cheese sandwich

⚪ Greek salad

⚪ Just some runny yoghurt

Notes: I shall not require the hospital meal service because my sister is bringing Shake Shack.

Supplies And Amenities

Please provide me:

🔘 gauze underpants

🔘 ice maxipads

🔘 squeeze bottles

🔘 topical butt spray

🔘 witch hazel pads

🔘 any other complimentary toiletry supplies

⚪ hospital gown

Notes: I shall not be requiring a hospital gown after delivery, as I will be wearing jeggings and a plaid maternity shirt to herald the birth of a fall baby. We will be practicing hygge during recovery.

I would like a second can of topical spray to bring home because I will get inexplicably attached to the scent, which I will forever after associate with my teensy newborn baby.

Breastfeeding

🔘 I will be breastfeeding.

⚪ I will not be breastfeeding.

Notes: My nursing relationship is important to me and I would like the staff to support my decision to breastfeed my child. That said, I have no problem wheeling off baby in the middle of the night to the nursery so I can get a proper nap of two or three hours, and don't tell me you don't have a nursery — this isn't my first rodeo and you will take that baby.

Supplementing With Formula

⚪ Definitely not

🔘 Definitely maybe

Notes: I would like for the baby not to be supplemented with formula during my stay. I reserve the right to revoke this directive as soon as a nurse suggests I hand-express into a cup to get a “little extra” into baby, a task I am in no way going to entertain.

Recovery Suite

🔘 A private room

⚪ A semi-private room

⚪ Whatever comes after that

Notes: We are requesting a private room. When a private room is inevitably unavailable, I will accept a shared room with anyone OK with me playing Nickelback through the wee hours of the night while my husband sleeps in a folding chair.

Respectfully, I would rather not share a suite with anyone whose helium balloon count exceeds my own.

Newborn Photography

⚪ Yes

⚪ No

🔘 I have some ideas

Notes: I would like to avail myself of the in-house photography services just whenever they happen to come around our bed. We have brought a small collection of props they might decide to use for the shoot in the amenities cupboard, including deer antlers, a flowerpot hat per the Anne Geddes book I have included for the staff photographer’s review — STUDY UP — along with a tail, several giant acorns, and a small 20" x 15" backdrop of a forest scene.

I want this shoot to feel as natural as possible.

Discharge

⚪ We will be taking a cab

⚪ We will be taking public transportation

🔘 We will be driving ourselves home at 15 mph, with the fear of God in us

Notes: When we leave the hospital, everyone in sight is to form a flash mob in the lobby and chant “you got this” over and over while doing the Nutbush.

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