Do you sometimes look at your baby as he launches an entire bowl of peas at the wall with brute toddler force, and imagine him standing at the helm of a ship in a horned helmet, issuing commands for ice cream raids? Or when your little one crawls onto the "Mommy and Me" play-mat with a shriek and a snarl, like she's seizing new land, do you occasionally feel as if you’re raising a Scandinavian pirate from the 790s? Yes? Well, here are five signs that you may in fact be raising a Viking baby.
The Happiest Baby blog lists four main baby personality types. There’s the even-tempered “Walk in the Park” baby, the sensitive “Fragile As Crystal” baby, the intense bebe with a demeanor that boils between “Passion and Explosion," and there’s the fussy baby — or as they diplomatically put it, “The Little Baby With a Big Personality.” But what about the fiercely independent baby who wants to give her broken toys a Viking burial at sea? And by sea, I of course mean the toilet.
Let us explore the different traits of a Viking baby, shall we? If anything, it's a good excuse to peruse photos of Travis Fimmel from that show Vikings. Or to rewatch the "What's Opera Doc" episode of Looney Tunes.
1. Your Baby Likes To Conduct Raids
The blog Norse Mythology noted that "The quintessential Viking strategy was to show up at a town or monastery suddenly and without warning, loot anything they could get their hands on in short order, and then vanish."
Is your toddler regularly storming the cabinets in search of the hidden graham crackers? Do you ever hear things get eerily quiet, and then discover your child has broken into that one forbidden cabinet or drawer, and scattered your tax receipts/makeup/coconut oil about the floor like they've just felled a small village? And are they now — mysteriously — gone from the scene?
Totally a Viking move.
2. Your Baby Has A Red Beard
OK, maybe not an actual red beard, but a beard made of tomato sauce. Which he has smeared all over his face, because he absolutely refuses to be spoon-fed, and insists on feeding himself. According to the Viking history site Hurstwic, "bold, independent behavior was prized" in Viking children, and kids were "expected to take charge of their own activities."
Would your kid sooner barf into his own Cheerios than let you help him wield a spoon? Yep. Sounds like a Viking baby to me.
3. Your Kid Is Wowed By Thor, God Of Thunder
Thor was of course the Norse God of Thunder, and the site Sons of Vikings noted that "if Thor were a mortal, every Viking would have wanted to raise an ale horn with him. He was the paragon to which Vikings aspired."
Does your little one flip out during storms, and get jazzed by every flash of lightning? Does your baby often raise her bottle aloft after a crash of thunder, as if praising an invisible Norse God?
4. Your Baby Loves To Explore
Vikings are considered some of the greatest explorers of the ancient world, and Norse Mythology says they conquered new lands in a "quest for fame, prestige, and honor." But they also were seeking a "level of personal freedom that one can only find in a sparsely-populated area with no pre-established government."
Kind of like when your baby is constantly trying to ditch you at the playground, and find a new stretch of unpopulated synthetic turf upon which they may steal other's toys and eat as much mud as they like, without the tyrant mommy telling them "No, no!"
5. Your Child Is A Berserker, & Prefers To Do Battle In The Nude
Do you often enter a room, find your child has discarded all of their clothing, and is now streaking down the hall like a naked barbarian in search of more Duplo? Ranker describes a particular faction of Viking warriors known as "Berserkers" who preferred to take care of business in their birthday suits. Sound familiar?
Now that you think of it...does the term "Berserker" seem especially apt for your child? Especially after they've just poured a gallon of milk into your sock drawer, or attempted to put several gummy bears into the dog's nose? Well congratulations! You are raising a Viking baby — a wild, untamed, Pampers-clad warrior of discovery. Might I make a small suggestion for next year's Halloween costume?