'Tis March, which means the many splendors of spring shall soon be upon us. The first pale buds shall burst forth from the soil! I shall excitedly wear sandals way too soon, and my toes shall freeze! Jesus (wearing sandals right on time) may or may not come back, depending on one’s belief system! And of course, the truest sign of our earth’s renewal: Starbucks shall debut a new Cloud Macchiato featuring the music of Ariana Grande.
Yes. Starbucks’ newest drink will apparently be rolled out alongside a playlist that includes both Ariana Grande music, as well as just some music Grande likes. (And yes, I suppose this means you can order a grande Grande. If you like for baristas to wish you were dead.)
So what is this wondrous new concoction they are unveiling? First they gave us the magical pastel bliss of the Unicorn Frappuccino. Then came the emerald-colored Crystal Ball Frappuccino — a drink that could predict your future! (Which I’m guessing was that your next bathroom trip would be an unsettling shade of green.) What could possibly be next in the coffee chain’s cheerful mix of mysticism and blended ice? A pentagram cappuccino, perhaps?
No, ‘tis the new Cloud Macchiato! Described as a “cloud” of cold foam, espresso shots, and their “signature caramel drizzle crosshatch," this "silky” treat comes in both Iced Caramel and Iced Cinnamon. While “caramel drizzle crosshatch” sounds like the preferred straitjacket utilized at the Wonka Factory, I will admit the beverage sounds like a sugary delight.
On that note... have we as a nation admitted yet that all of these beverages are essentially drinkable sundaes? Don’t get me wrong - I’ve sucked down many a Mocha Frappuccino on a hot summer’s day. And I shall be sucking down more in the future. I’m just wondering if we as a society have acknowledged that Starbucks often has more in common with Cold Stone Creamery at this point than cafe society? Not that that's necessarily a bad thing — again, I am happy to stick my face into a cup of whipped cream. I'm merely saying I don't recall any portraits of Sartre sipping his espresso through a cookie straw.
Anyhoo, if you’re looking for something to pair with your fluffy, caffeinated sundae, they’re also bringing out a new sweet-and-sour lemon cake pop. As someone whose own child refers to Starbucks as “the cake pop shop," I am sure we will be sampling this zesty addition sometime soon. And that I shall once again be hovering over my son like he is holding a small vial of plutonium, as I desperately try to avoid the dreaded cake-ball-falling-off-the-stick tragedy that I am sure many parents are familiar with. (One of my most shameful parenting moments was the time I picked a fallen ball of cake off the floor of a LaGuardia Starbucks and just let my son eat it. It haunts me still… But we’d just done an overnight flight from Ireland and I was so tired I likely would have let him eat his shoes if he’d so demanded it.)
The Cloud Macchiato floats into stores today, March 5! I may have to go investigate. And after I suck down my crosshatch through my chocolate straw, I will then grab a broom to sweep up my back molars (which will surely have crumbled out of my face) as well as any fallen cake pop remnants. Then I shall grab a small pack of those salted almonds they have, because #balance.