Humans have this thing we do — when someone suffers something terrible, we seem to feel like we have to say something. Like there is a polite way, a thoughtful way, to address anyone else's pain. I don't believe it's done with bad intentions, but that doesn't mean it's right. For instance, when people said to Tamar Braxton about her recent miscarriage that "it'll all work out" eventually, that didn't make her feel better. It hurt.
Reality star and singer Braxton recently suffered a miscarriage after going through IVF treatments. The 40-year-old star of Braxton Family Values has been trying to have a baby with her husband, Vince, for some time. The couple are already the parents of 4-year-old Logan, who was born as a result of IVF treatments. Recently, Braxton sat down with Glamour magazine to talk about her journey, and how hard it was for her to just keep going after her miscarriage, stating,
I didn't know how I was going to get out of my bed for a couple weeks. But you just do, you know? The same choice you make to be courageous and go through this process is the same choice to get up and keep going. It was hard because I still had to work. But after the miscarriage, I wanted so badly for the other things in my life to work.
Unfortunately for Braxton, things just kept piling on: She left The Real in May, the album she was working on wasn't released, and she also left Dancing With The Stars. Despite her heartbreak over the miscarriage, she and Vince also chose not to share their story with anyone for fear of what people might say, and how it might make her feel. Needless to say, it was a gut-wrenching period for the mom of one:
I didn’t even tell my mom because you feel like if you tell somebody it’s bad luck. I just wish people would be more sensitive and maybe ask "How can I help you? Is there anything I can do?"
But when someone hasn’t gone through it, they don’t understand the level of the loss. You don’t want to hear, "Oh, it will all work out. Don’t worry." Like, "how do you know?" People that say, "Oh, you can always adopt," drives me crazy. I think adoption is great, but I want to have my own baby. I have these embryos in the freezer, and I want to be able to see what they look like. Are they anything like Logan? I put myself through that situation because I want to see that outcome. I can’t lie and tell you at this point Vince and I have not talked about adoption or a surrogacy, but if I can have my own, of course [I want to].
Braxton also offered a great reminder to everyone who thinks offering sunny platitudes after a tragedy will help someone: Generally, they don't. As she learned herself, people have to get over things in their own time, and there isn't really much anyone can say to change that.
Happily, Braxton hasn't given up on IVF. While the miscarriage took its toll, she said that she is ready to try again. Because, as she told Glamour:
The minute you give up, that’s when it’s over. You can’t give up. You have to make that promise to yourself that no matter what, I am not going to stop until I succeed at my goal. It’s a long road to get there, but sometimes it’s the universe changing to make things better for you.