You can now have the soft glow of electric sex beaming from your Christmas tree this year with the A Christmas Story leg lamp ornament for just $20 at Kohl’s. That’s right. You’ll have “The Old Man’s” pride and joy right here in a wonderful keepsake that actually lights up on your tree. Enjoy this “major award” with your family year after year, and I promise the excitement won’t be as much of a letdown as being told to drink your Ovaltine.
And if the Old Man’s pride and joy isn’t enough for you to celebrate this holiday season, there’s always the “Ralphie Gets A Gift” ornament, complete with an embarrassed, blushing and irritated Ralphie holding up those dreaded pink bunny pajamas. The “deranged Easter Bunny” will be a part of your tree for years to come as well. Plus, you can never go wrong with Hallmark, am I right?
And now I have officially fallen down the A Christmas Story ornaments rabbit hole, guys. And I triple dog dare you to buy them all. You can also purchase “The House On Cleveland Street” ornament, an ornament of Ralphie about to be pushed down the red slide by the evil Santa (HOOOOO HOOOOO HOOOOO), and a “Ralphie to the Rescue” ornament with his cowhide pants and Red Ryder BB Gun. Obviously you’ll have to include the ornament showcasing the pivotal moment in the movie where Ralphie does indeed shoot his eye out (almost).
There’s even an ornament of the infamous “Oh, Fudgeeee” moment (but he didn’t say fudge) in an ornament, with lugnuts flying and everything. But fear not, because Ralphie can get “cleaned up” for you with this “Ralphie Cleans Up” ornament featuring Ralphie with the dreaded soap in his mouth — which will of course eventually make him go blind.
And the best for last is my favorite scene from the movie (because they remind me of our stubborn and annoying beagles) — a Bumpuses ornament where The Old Man is checking out what's left of the Christmas turkey after the Bumpus dogs destroyed it. "It was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches, no turkey salad, no turkey gravy, turkey hash, turkey a la king, or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, all gone!"
Hey, if people can have color-themed Christmas trees, Disney-themed Christmas trees, fairy tale forest Christmas trees, and whatever you can think of, I totally think you can have a Christmas tree dedicated to the best Christmas movie of all time. You’ll just have to haggle with the guy at the cut-your-own-tree place and then almost set the house on fire when you plug in the Christmas lights to give it the full effect. And after you’ve hung your A Christmas Story ornaments on the tree with care, you’ll have to go out for Chinese food and enjoy “Chinese Turkey” and have the head of a duck cut off on your table. Or you could take it easy with some wine and marvel at the electric glow all season long.