So You Can Feel Like A Literal Care Bear, There's This Giant Rainbow Pool Float

It's certainly hard to believe (as I am still regularly finding pine needles from our Christmas tree), but winter is officially behind us! Summer, glorious summer... Those magical months of catching fireflies, frolicking on the beach, and ordering ill-fitting sundresses online that I immediately return is almost here. And of course, summer heralds the season of whimsical, oversized pool rafts shaped like wine bottles and/or mystical creatures. As per uszh, Big Mouth Inc. is coming strong right out of the gate with this year's Giant Rainbow Pool Lounger Float. Capable of holding 200 pounds, and boasting a plastic puff of cloud upon which to rest one's weary head, this fanciful floaty is worthy of hosting the pastel bottoms of the entire Care Bears cast.

How much does such pool whimsy cost, one might ask? A mere $40! But... one might also ask — how should you best utilize this puff of summer paradise?

As a celestial summer throne (replete with beverage holders) upon which one may perch with their friends and unwind.

This July, while the little ones frolic in the kiddie pool, busily dumping water over each other's heads, parents can plonk this sucker down beside them in the grass to enjoy a sparkling beverage and some much-needed laughs.

The Mayo Clinic totally says to do this. Or rather, the Mayo Clinic noted that a hearty guffaw is excellent for stress relief, can improve one's immune system, and helps people “cope with difficult situations”. (i.e the promise of the Mr. Softee truck, and one's child lying facedown when told they may not consume two Choco Tacos in one day.) Laughter also enhances a person's intake of oxygen, which in turn stimulates our heart, lungs, and muscles. Laughter is basically exercise humans do by silently shaking and ruining their mascara.

As a magical vinyl ship upon which children may sail away to unicorn forests and dance among the fairy kings.

Forget finding a swimming pool, just throw it into the living room and let the children ride this baby off into the land of make believe. Meanwhile, parents can also enjoy an other-worldly experience called “sitting motionless upon the couch for more than five minutes.” And once the kid gets bored with it, just toss it into her room and use the seat as a whimsical storage space for her 8 million Beanie Boos and/or L.O.L. dolls.

As a means to feeling as if bedding Don Draper is still possible.

Ever see that video of January Jones trying to climb onto a giant bull floaty? Talk about otherworldly! And why should Betty Draper get to have all the fun? She already got to regularly sleep with Don. Surely lounging upon this plastic representation of the refraction and dispersion of the sun's light via rainwater is the next best thing to being with Mad Men-era Jon Hamm?

As a reward for caring about your blood pressure.

Swimming is crazy good for us! According to Women's Health, it's great for the heart, isn’t as high impact as running, and provides a whole-body workout. It also increases physical stamina, and what parent couldn’t do with more of that?

So dive in, do some laps, then enjoy a few blissful moments of peaceful drifting before a child cannonballs off the side and flips the raft into the deep end.

As a reminder that women are goddesses/queens and entirely deserving of faux cloud headrests.

I know most moms don't often feel like goddesses, or queens of anything but mountains of urine-swollen Pull-Ups. I know many of us have GoGo squeeZ in our hair, and breasts that feel like deflated pool floaties due to nursing. But remember how women can grow new freaking human beings inside of their bodies? Can someone please tell me what is more wondrous than that? Women may not shoot actual rainbows out of our vaginas, but babies are pretty close, dude.