I'm not responsible for my foray into Amazon Prime. I blame that on my partner, who signed us up in the first place. Therefore, I think I can officially blame him for every single thing I've ever ordered via Prime. Just this week I’ve picked up art supplies for my daughter, a Thermos for my son, and several rugs for our new home. I enjoy the service and, more than that, I believe it can provide important insights into my life. For example, what an Amazon Prime order says about how much sleep I'm getting is way more informative than the perpetual bags under my eyes.
Sleep is a precious commodity in the life of a mother. The items she buys via Amazon Prime can offer insight into how much she needs and values sleep and, also, why she may not be getting it. For example, if you see someone has ordered a 6-pack of bibs, an amber teething necklace, and ear plugs, you can figure she's probably the mother of a teething baby who won't stop crying or drooling and she's doing everything she can to make this situation better. You can also also make a probably accurate guess as to how much shut-eye she's getting: none.
But this is all general. Let's dive into what one can expect to see based on how much sleep a new mom (hell, any mom) is actually getting, based on her Amazon Prime order:
8+ Hours Of Sleep
At eight hours of sleep you're probably feeling good about yourself and life in general. You're rested... but you're still a mom, so it's not like you're just sitting around twiddling your thumbs. Your Prime order will reflect this in the following ways:
Everything You Need For Your Latest Pinterest Project
You know, your paints, crafting glue, yard, foam board, whatever it is crafty Pinterest moms do. I wouldn’t know, because I'm not one, but hey: good on ya'll for managing, even when you can't fit in a trip to Michael's.
For various kitchen projects, bake sales, and delicious home-made meals. You have your old standbys, but this book has given you so many good ideas for yummy, healthy nourishment for your family.
For office apparel, date night, or just looking cute for an afternoon of running errands. It’s been a while since you’ve updated, but you’re feeling yourself lately so treat yo’self, mama!
A Fancy Juicer
You’ve always wanted one and know they’re running a deal for Prime members this week so why the hell not, right?! After all, you splurge on fancy juices on your lunch break and they cost a fortune: why not make them yourself! That cookbook you just got actually has some really fun sounding juice recipes.
A Book For Book Club
The other ladies have picked out some real winners the last few meetings and you’re excited to dive into this one. If you can finish it early enough, maybe you can even get a start on another one so you can recommend it for next month!
A College Graduation Gift For Your Youngest Child
Because I am confident that the only way you are getting eight hours of sleep and living this magical life is because your kids are out of the house. If not, I hereby accuse you of witchcraft and insist you be thrown in the nearest river to see if you float or sink. If you float you’re obviously a witch. Unlike days of yore, you shall not be burned with flames, but with the seething glare of other mothers’ tired, squinting eyes as we all wonder how you do it. (But, like, we’ll be nice to you, because #womenhelpingwomen and all, but we’re not going to hide the fact that we’re jealous of your good fortune and put-togetherness.)
6-7 Hours Of Sleep
At six to seven hours of sleep you’re getting by, but you’re a bit harried. Your kids are likely a little bit older — school age, perhaps — but while you’re not likely in newborn hell their demands are still greater than the restorative power of six to seven hours of sleep.
Because you live in these things. You’re running around chasing kids, running errands and maybe, just maybe, getting to the gym. You need a garment that is appropriate for all of those things and God bless the fun legging. Of course you don’t have time to go shopping and try things on, so you just buy a bunch of cute ones online. Sizing is forgiving and the possibilities are endless.
School Supplies And/Or Toys
You’ll be damned if you take your child into a store with you to purchase these items because they will want literally everything they see in every aisle, whether or not it’s relevant to their interests. (True story: my toddler had a meltdown in Target once because I wouldn’t buy her a plain blue dog dish. We don’t even have a dog.) And is it just me or do your kids need something every goddamn week? It’s insane. Best to leave this one to Prime.
The only online account you’re going to use more than Prime is Starbucks. Running around for your kids (quite possibly in addition to work and volunteering and other responsibilities) is going to require a metric ton of caffeine a day. You’d be wise to get something insulated so that your drink stays appropriately hot or cold (because you’ll be drinking the same thing over the course of several hours)
Cleaning Supplies In Bulk
You have kids so your house is a mess and will weekly require more bathroom cleaner and paper towels than you ever imagined possible before you had children. It’s an economically savvy idea to buy large quantities of these items at once so as to get more bang for your buck, and who wants to haul a massive palate of stain spray to the car at a big box store. Get that nonsense shipped. Bonus: no one in the parking lot will look at you and question what filth is happening in your house that prompted you to buy two five-gallon bottles of bleach.
A Book For Club Book
You’ll read half of it. Whatever: you’re there for the wine and conversation anyway.
There’s just no other way to keep it all together. Not on the amount of sleep you’re getting.
5-6 Hours Of Sleep
You probably have a new-ish baby or a toddler. You’re doing better than you probably were at your worst postpartum point, but this just isn’t enough sleep to function on. You’re basically in survival mode and your online shopping is focused almost entirely on your child.
If you use cloth diapers, you will order your starter set and stash online. If you use disposable diapers, it is a never-ending cycle of ordering, receiving, and needing more diapers.
No, really. So many diapers. It’s absurd and insane and I don’t know how little bodies can release that much waste without needing to be hospitalized or something. “But wait,” you say. “What if I cloth diaper?! Then I’m all set!” Wrong. First of all you likely underestimated how many you would need to start off. Secondly, if you cloth diaper you will inevitably become someone who loves them so much you keep buying new ones because they come in adorable new patterns.
Whether we’re talking coffee pods, fancy froo-froo beans for your press pot, or a massive tin of generic, mass market ground coffee, this will be your lifeblood. Tea is an acceptable alternative, but you are going to need something hot and full of caffeine
Another White Noise Machine
Because maybe, just maybe, this one will actually work. If not it shall go onto the pile with all the rest.
Books On Sleep Training
At first you weren’t sure if you wanted to make sleep training “a thing," probably because you’d hoped this would just sort of naturally work itself out on its own. Yeah, no. This is not getting better on its own and you can’t live like this any longer. You absolutely don’t have time to read, but you will make the time because you have to do something. Anything.
You can get them next day delivery, and it’s easier than washing them. Wasteful? Yes, but you cant even right now. Can. Not. Even.
Less Than 5 Hours
You have a newborn. No one knows how you are alive. You are a medical miracle at this point, bless your heart.
As Many Diapers As Amazon Can Legally Sell You
Just save yourself some time.
You don’t know why. It just arrived one day and you didn’t question it. You just grunted and threw it on a pile next to your door where you’ve been throwing a lot of things lately. Your partner notices it one day and questions it. You have no memory of ever having seen it before and freak out that there’s a crazy person with a key to your house running around leaving you cryptic gifts to send message you can’t decipher.
You do not have chickens. Onto the pile it goes.
A Cell Phone Case
This is a totally reasonable thing to buy, but you have purchased the same one every day for the last few weeks because you keep forgetting you already did it and you’re running out of time to return them.
$200 Worth Of Korean Beauty Products
You haven’t worn a stitch of makeup since your baby was born and you haven’t showered in four days, but this seemed like a really great idea at 4 a.m. and who are you to question early-morning you?
Items Not Eligible For Prime
WTF were you even thinking?! Who pays for shipping when they have Prime?! This is a rookie move! Get some damn sleep so we can avoid this nonsense in the future.