The mouth-watering scent of greasy, deep-fried funnel cakes... the blank-eyed indifference of a mullet'd carnie as he (kind of) makes sure the safety bar is locked on the rusty coaster... the memory of getting one's period in a pair of white jeans while riding said coaster... The joys of the fairground are deeply woven into the fabric of so many of our childhood's. Which I think might help explain the public's wild delirium over where to buy cotton candy grapes in 2019.
As one grows older, they learn there are certain food items one enjoyed as a child, that they now feel ridiculous consuming as an adult. Unless they are very very inebriated. I would put cotton candy at the top of this list. Other items include candy necklaces, chicken molded into the form of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and fruit Roll-Ups.
Which is yet another reason adulthood is so trying... Along with aging parents, time melting one's neck, and the crushing knowledge of our mortality? No cotton candy. Sadly, one simply can't sit in a conference room scarfing down a sugar-spun cloud on a stick, smiling with purple teeth at their boss.
But never fear! Because humanity will always fight for what is good and just, this beloved carnival treat has been repackaged as a socially acceptable snack one can consume in front of one's boss without looking like a sociopath. Cotton candy grapes usually aren't in stores until the summertime, but they were recently spotted in Trader Joe's, hence the nationwide frenzy. Grape enthusiasts have also reported sightings in select Sam's Clubs and Whole Foods.
Created by David Cain of International Fruit Genetics, Cain vowed to take over the human species by creating a fruit snack so delicious people would worship him like a God in a temple of white gold while perched upon a grape-shaped throne. Kidding! He just wanted to make a really tasty grape.
As he told NPR, he was annoyed with the way grapes had lost their flavor over time, after years of the fruit being bred for longer shipping and storage times. And so, he gifted the world with fruit that tastes like the preferred treat at Six Flags. Amazingly, the grapes aren't a result of genetic engineering or artificial flavoring. Rather, they are simply a product of plant breeding. Science!
The fruit is distributed by Grapery, which also offers "Gum Drops" — grapes that taste like candy, "Moon Drops" — exceptionally long purple grapes for when one wants to feel like they're consuming Barney the dinosaur's nose, as well as "Tear Drops" — even longer purple grapes, for when one has a hankering for Barney's fingers. But don't rush out just yet: all of these specialty grapes are seasonal, and may not yet be in stores. Fortunately, the good people of Grapery have created an interactive map to keep the grape-crazed citizens of North America informed.
Good luck scoring some! And let us cross our fingers that one day, there shall be corn dog kiwis available on every corner.