As an adult with responsibilities, careers, jobs, and social lives, sometimes sex isn’t at the forefront of your mind — especially if you have children. Because on top of all the above, you have to worry about tiny humans’ well beings — making sure they’re eating healthy, sleeping, and hitting milestones. And when they’re older, there’s PTA, carpool, playdates, and extracurricular activities. You and your partner may be so exhausted at the end of each day you’re out when your heads hit the pillow. Sex is the last thing on your mind. That’s why planning sex is a great idea, according to a relationship expert. It’s totally normal for you to be too tired for a romp in the hay after having a demanding day of schedules and, frankly, being touched out. And planning to get busy keeps the romance alive in the relationship.
Dr. Laura Deitsch, resident sexologist at Vibrant, says in an email interview with Romper, “Likely, if there is no plan, sex will fall by the wayside and one partner will not get their needs met." Which of course can build all kinds of issues, including resentment if you two don't communicate. "So, planning sex is an excellent idea. While kids add another layer to a healthy sex life, they don’t have to kill the spontaneity — it just needs to be recreated in other ways.”
And sometimes, scheduling things and planning ahead builds up the anticipation for the main event — which is super sexy. “If Friday night is always the night you are both ready to go, send a sexy text during the day saying that you're not wearing any underwear and you can't wait for tonight. The biggest sex organ is your brain, so use it — and start the foreplay far in advance so you are in the mood and anticipating that Friday night romp,” Deitsch says.
Are you having enough sex? Sometimes the worrying, wondering and comparison can kill a sex drive faster than busy schedules. Deitsch says every couple is different, and there is no “one-size-fits-all number” for anyone. “Some couples never let a day pass them by, while others weren't all that active to begin with.”
Another interesting fact: the more sex you have, the sexier you feel and the more you want to have sex — perhaps bringing it to the front of your mind, causing you to want to make sex a priority. And to the contrary, “The less you have sex, the less you are in the mood. You'll likely never regret having more sex with your partner, so if you aren't sure if you're in the mood, start kissing and see where it takes you... I'll bet you'll end up wanting to continue,” Deitsch says. If you’re not feeling in the mood that night, just try being intimate in other ways with your partner. You never know where it will lead, and you may surprise yourself and feel like doing it more often once you break the ice that one time. Deitsch compares sex to a sport or a fine art — both of which require practice — and in order for spontaneity to work, she suggests dedicating time to “practice and retain good habits.”
How can you get the romance started again? Deitsch says to try to remember who you both were as a couple before children and recreate those date nights and special moments. “What did you like to do? What turned you on? Get a babysitter, get out of the house, put on a dress and remember that sexual side of yourself. Enjoy a nice meal, dance to some live music, sip champagne — whatever you like to do together.” Other important advice pertaining to this, according to Deitsch, is to not talk about the children, even though that may seem impossible. “While it's tempting since the baby consumes so much of your time, give yourself a mental break — the baby will be there two hours from now. If you take your mind out of the baby room and into the bedroom and your relationship, you'll feel recharged for your little one.”
As far as planning and scheduling sex ruining the fun and romance, that’s not true for many couples. Plus, if you plan it, maybe there will be less of a chance for your kid to barge in and interrupt? “For some, planning sex can remove a lot of anxiety and stress around this area of the relationship," Deitsch says. "Always trying to see whether you're on the same page and interested can also result in busy parents scratching their heads to remember the last time they've had sex. The truth is that the best solution will be different for every couple, and everyone needs to figure out what works best for them. Have fun, experiment, say what you need, and don't be afraid of planning sex if you need to.”
Scheduling isn’t unsexy and boring. It can create build up and sexual tension (in a good way) leading up to the big event — even if that means once a week or once a month. Every couple is different with their needs. Having a healthy sex life is important for any relationship, as it brings you closer to your partner and you feel more connected to them — plus, the stress relief. Don’t forget to add a romp in the sheets with your partner to your calendar; I promise it will be worth it.
Check out Romper's new video series, Bearing The Motherload, where disagreeing parents from different sides of an issue sit down with a mediator and talk about how to support (and not judge) each other’s parenting perspectives. New episodes air Mondays on Facebook.