From time immemorial, humans have gathered together around a meal, building community and strengthening interpersonal bonds in the process. Truly, food has always had some magical properties outside the realms of health and nutrition. Since our hunter/gatherer days, the foods we've consumed have become more intricate, complex, and delicious. So delicious, in fact, that they can have profound psychological effects on us that, in turn, affect our bodies physiologically. Ladies and gentleman, I put it to you that there are foods that would get me pregnant.
It's just science, you guys, even if we don't fully understand how that science works just yet. Even if it has been scientifically proven over and over again the only way to get pregnant involves the meeting of two cells, usually sperm and egg. To the people who make those closed-minded claims, I say, "Have you ever eaten hummus? Like,really eaten hummus?"
I'm not talking about foods I ate to help boost my fertility or even foods I craved while pregnant (though, for sure, I craved a ton of these). Science sort of has those topics covered. However, we know precious little about the foods so sensually overpowering, so orgasmically delicious, that they can spontaneously impregnate a person in the blink of an eye (or, more appropriately, a smacking of the lips).
Until we know more about this phenomenon, which, again, is #scientificfact (guys this totally isn't scientific fact), I thought I would provide a helpful PSA on 11 foods I know for sure could definitely get me pregnant. That way, you, the reading public, can eat your next meal empowered with the knowledge to make the reproductive choices that are right for you.
Dark Chocolate With Ginger
Honestly, can you think of a sexier food? I can't. Dark chocolate with ginger is, to my mind, basically a Prince song in food form. As we all well know, a single exposure to 13 seconds of a Prince song has been known to impregnate a person*. The rich, deep, bittersweetness of the chocolate, the spicy sweetness of the ginger. Boom. You're pregnant. Congratulations.
If I ever became pregnant with a bar of dark chocolate and ginger, I would name the baby Ginger after her grandmother. I may have been impregnated by candy, but I still think well-thought out names are important.
*Not really, but if anyone ever made such a claim I wouldn't discount it right away.
Do you remember Podrick Payne, Tyrion's squire on Game of Thrones?
There he is.
Podrick is quiet and seemingly a bit inept and kind of dopey, but it turns out he is so ferociously awesome in the sack that sex workers pay him to say thank you. That's how I feel about peanut butter only, you know, non-sexually (even though, sometimes, there's nothing more orgasmic than scarfing down a spoonful of peanut butter).
You think, "OK, mashed up peanuts. Peanuts are, like, fine I guess. How good could they be mashed up?" Really f*cking good, it turns out. So good, in fact, that sometimes you have to go out and get some pee sticks, just to make sure the peanut butter hasn't knocked you up because anything that can make you feel the way PB does can probably get you pregnant.
It's seriously a food that looks pregnant when you cut it open, so there's that. Plus, avocado is a food that mystically makes everything better. It's creamy, delicious, and makes ordinary foods irresistible. Name something more bland than toast. May I present avocado toast.
Also, avocados are shaped like testicles, which can legitimately get you pregnant. So, you know, food for thought.
Oatmeal isn't particularly delicious. I mean, it's oatmeal. It's fine. I only say it could get me pregnant because I seriously had it every morning for breakfast for about five years. I feel like if you consume something that much, eventually, you are going to bear its child.
Ben & Jerry's
Ben, Jerry, and I have been in a beautiful and loving polyamorous relationship for years. I like to imagine that Ben makes the sweet, smooth, rich ice cream and Jerry, ever the wildcard, throws in the candy, cookie dough, cherries, or whatever the hell else they put in that ice cream to make it a full-on, amazing meal of a dessert. You go to this concoction with enthusiasm, but some level of coquettishness, like, "Oh hey there, B&J's Coffee Toffee Crunch. Why sure I'll put you in my mouth, but only a little, OK?" Cut to 30 rapturous minutes later and the whole thing is gone and your stomach is delightfully swollen. You're definitely pregnant.
So I actually and legitimately love kale, but I understand it's rarely a food most people crave. Certainly it's not a food that you'd think of as being one that can impregnate you with its deliciousness. Still, people go on and on about it being a "superfood" so much that I figure, "Yeah, this can probably knock me up since it seems to be able to do everything else. Better go back on the pill before eating this kale salad."
Barring penis-themed bachelorette party cakes, name a more phallic food than a cannoli. You can't do it. They're medium tube-shaped pastries full of cream. Whether or not you're personally into penises (hey: they're not for everyone) they can get you preggers. Also, cannoli are basically Italian God's gift to our taste buds. Eating one from Arthur Avenue in the Bronx is basically an ecstatic, religious experience.
Chocolate Chip Cookies From My Favorite Bakery
The cookie I'm thinking of was the size of a toddler's head, chewy, and made with what I'm guess was about 2 pounds of salted butter. It was delicious to the point of erotic. If that cookie were a person we would never "have sex." We would only ever make love. Passionate, beautiful, meaningful, and spiritually fulfilling love. That cookie was my everything. I no longer have regular access to it because I no longer work across the street from the bakery from which it is lovingly crafted.
Unfortunately, this cookie never got me pregnant, though I believe the possibility was there. I often wish it had gotten me with child, for then I would have a sweet reminder of it every day.
It's basically the most perfect food ever put in the hands of humanity. Voice of my generation Daria Morgendorffer once said, "There is no aspect, no facet, no moment in life that can't be improved with pizza." I also sincerely believe that there is no such thing as "bad" pizza, just "not very good pizza," because even mediocre pizza is still pizza, damnit. A food this good, under the proper conditions, could almost certainly give you a baby who would no doubt also be delicious and perfect.
When you're going to town on a taco, is there anything else that matters in the world? Anything at all? Of course not, nor should there be. That's why I think a taco could definitely get me pregnant. I'd just be sitting there, filled to the brim with enraptured delight when, poof! The taco has used its magical taco powers to knock me up. When I find out, I go out and buy another taco in celebration, because I can imagine there being a baby more beautiful or joyful than one begotten of a taco.
Also, taco is literally slang for "vagina," which is where babies come from so, it makes sense.