Sorry, But Having A C-Section Means You Really Didn't Give Birth

Oh yeah, you read that right and I can feel your anger burning a hole through the screen as we speak. Sorry not sorry though, because having a c-section isn't really giving birth. This isn't some completely crazy, inflammatory statement people who don't know what they're talking about make, either. Oh, and I'm definitely not using satire to make the point that no matter how you bring your baby into the world, you have given birth. This is just science. Well, I think it's science. Yeah, that's it! It's science!

Why isn't a c-section "real birth" you ask? Because reasons. Totally logical reasons that are in no way used to try to shame women into thinking they did something wrong or are "less than." Like I said, it's #science. In fact, I'm going to call some scientists to back me up here, and if the scientists don't agree with me it will be because Big Science is the enemy of the people, not because my affirmation is laughable and absurd and is in no-way based in fact or logic or reason.

Full disclosure here: I myself was delivered via c-section. Since my mother never gave birth to me, I consider myself an "unborn American." Some would say I'm 34 years old, but I believe I am more accurately described as being in my 135th trimester.

As we all know, there's is only one valid way to give birth: the way that best suits my personal opinions and agenda. Everything else is either cheating, dishonest, or, in the case of c-sections, not birth. Why, specifically? Well, fine. If you really need "reasons," consider the following:

Because It's Just Not Natural

C-sections do not occur in nature. As such, they are unnatural and anything unnatural is bad! Speaking of which, why are you reading this article?! Neither writing systems nor the phone or computer you are reading this genius piece of writing on are naturally occurring. (I suspect both are full of toxins.) For shame!

Birth should only ever be 100 percent natural. No surgical interventions, no medication, no hospitals, no electricity, and no clothes. It should be you, naked, in the middle of the woods making wolf noises while you push.

Because It's The Easy Way Out

It just gets my goat that so many "mothers" opt for this quick and easy shortcut around giving birth. "Oh la-dee-da!" they say, as they sip glasses of fancy fizzy lemonade. "I'm too posh to push! I'll simply undergo major abdominal surgery fraught with a myriad of side effects varying from minor to life-changing. Being cut open, stapled back together, and enduring a longer recovery time is ever-so-much easier than any other option!"

How lazy can you get?! That's not birth!

Because You Don't Experience Any Pain

Seriously, what could be painful about a c-section? You never go into labor ahead of a c-section (unless you're one of the many women who do), you don't have to push (unless you're one of the many women who will) you have anesthesia so that you don't feel anything (you will almost certainly feel that baby come out), and after the surgery you have painkillers which completely numb you to any and all discomfort (they're painkillers, not magic wands that mystically eliminate all suffering) during your brief and easy recovery (ha)!

Because You Didn't Nobly Suffer For Your Child

As we all know, the pain of childbirth is the only real way to tell if you love your baby. Your pain is noble and virtuous. If you complain about that pain you're cheapening its purifying effects. Good women accept any and all anguish thankfully. The more anguish you feel, the more you love your child. If you weren't in agony, screaming to your gods for the sweet release of death in the delivery room, then you didn't really give birth.

Obviously if you had a c-section you never experience a single moment of pain before, during, or after delivery. Duh.

Because Vaginal Birth Is The Only Thing A Mother Does For Her Baby

There are so many benefits to giving birth vaginally for mother and baby. Of course, as we all know, "benefit" comes from the Latin word meaning "something you absolutely must do if you ever want your baby to be happy or healthy."

Basically, if you don't give birth vaginally (which, as we have established, means you don't actually give birth) you can just go ahead and skip any and all cuddling, playing, singing, reading, talking, or demonstrations of affection with your baby. I mean, honestly, what's the point if you didn't push them out of your vagina? They're not going to remember all that "family time" and "bonding." Oh no, instead they're going to remember which hole they were squeezed out of! And if it was a surgically made one, well, you have blown all opportunities to do anything nice for them literally ever.

Because A Baby Didn't Come Out Of You

I mean, like, is that even a baby? I feel like that might be a puppy or something. Have you had them tested? Do you know for sure it's not a puppy. Because if it's a puppy I don't know that you can call it "giving birth," you know? Take it to a specialist and get back to us with the results, OK?

Because This Birth Photographer Says So

In February of this year, this unnamed birth photographer informed her client that she would not photograph the delivery of her client's child because it was going to be a c-section.

"A surgery isn't birth, my dear. You aren’t giving birth. You are having surgery to remove your baby from your abdomen. That is not birth no matter how you swing it and I for one don’t want to be there to take pictures of it."

And she would know, right? Like, you guys, she's a birth photographer. So she definitely is the final authority on what birth is, right?

Because It's Not How I Gave Birth

My birth was the best and most glorious vision of womanly empowerment you've ever seen, believe me. So, needless to say, if you didn't do exactly what I did, I really just can't be sure that you actually gave birth. Next time, try to be more like me by having the same medical history and making the same decisions. It'd also be best if you tried to give birth on the same date I did.

(I've had two kids, so you can choose either September 3 or May 28. I'm very accommodating. You're welcome.)

Because It Makes Me Feel Better

Because if I can talk down to you and belittle your experience, it makes me feel like I super gave birth. Thanks to the patriarchy, I know that my experience isn't really a valid experience unless I can put another woman down in the process. That's how I win. Win at what exactly? I'm not sure, but making you feel like crap makes me feel like a winner. At the very least it silences the whispers of self-doubt that constantly play in the back of my mind, which haunt both my dreams and waking hours.

(OK, Real Talk For A Minute Ladies)

Guys, this is me with my son approximately 15 minutes after giving birth via c-section. He's born and he came out of me. No need to make it more complicated than it is by suggesting I did anything but give birth to him.

To anyone ridiculous enough to suggest I didn't give birth, I would challenge you to a fight or something, but I honestly just can't take you seriously enough to muster anything more involved than an eye roll.