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10 Things A Pregnant Woman Shouldn't Have To Ask For When She's "About To Pop"

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The last month of pregnancy is actually 2,657,345 days of pregnancy. I'm not being hyperbolic, my friends. That's a literal, honest calculation and, as you can see, that is a large amount of days to remain very large and very uncomfortable. The person who endures these 2,657,345 days is already doing enough, so the list of things a pregnant woman shouldn't have to ask for when she's "about to pop" is long. It's also a worthwhile read.

Now, dear reader, you might say, "Is this person delusional? The last month of pregnancy is 30 days, give or take a few, not 2,657,345 days. Don't you know how to count?" To that I say you must not have heard of the time-space continuum, fairy-world universe fold into which all pregnant people sink. We still exist here on this plane, but while people who aren't "about to pop" experience time via normal perception, those who are "about to pop" experience time via this fairy-world perception. The ratio is, as a matter of fact, 30 Earth-days: 2,657,345 fairy-world days, to be precise and in case you wee wondering.

Armed with this newfound knowledge, you can see how a person "about to pop" for 2,657,345 days might become a little irritable. You can see how this person might experience you saying "no" to one request as you saying "no" to every single request for 2,657,345 days. That just feels cruel, doesn't it? Why would you deny this pregnant person a little bit of comfort in her seemingly endless final days of pregnancy? She is, after all, "about to POP." At this point, the graphic image of a human being's bulbous belly popping may actually be a preferred outcome over staying pregnant for even just one more day.

A Glass Of Water

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You should always have a glass (or two) of water prepared for her. According to WebMD, it is essential for a pregnant person to stay hydrated. Even if she doesn't ask, keep filling her cup.

Help Getting Up

If you're around a pregnant person about to "pop," she should never have to ask for help getting up. Please do your best to anticipate this need and offer before she asks. Better yet? Get the thing she needs for her, so she doesn't even have to get up. Do you know how much of a feat getting up is for a hugely pregnant person?

Pie

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At all times please be available to get her pie. Pie is vital to the last minutes of pregnancy.

I am not a baker. I once got up at three o'clock in the morning, 24 hours before labor with my second child started, to bake three pumpkin pies. Because I needed to eat them right now. Pie is crucial.

A Foot Rub

No comments about the swollen feet besides, "Oh, honey, you must really need a foot rub. Sit down, sweetie, let me rub your feet," will be tolerated.

A Seat

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I don't care if it's a train, a plane, an automobile, or any other form of transportation. If a pregnant person gets on, you give up your seat. Period.

Same goes for living rooms, dining rooms, and all other rooms.

A Nap

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This is particularly important for partners of pregnant people who already have children to pay attention to. A person "about to pop" should never have to ask for a nap. Instead, you should be offering them naps, and keeping the other children quiet or out of the house altogether while they take multiple naps.

Be careful, however, as you probably want to steer clear of the, "Oh, you look so tired!" comments. Here's how you offer to give her a nap: "You definitely deserve a nap, babe. Go lay down. I'll get you some water and a nice cool washcloth for your eyes. Turn on the sound machine, I got everything under control."

To Pee

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I mean, seriously! I can't even count how many times I've walked into the OB-GYN's office when I was "about to pop" and had to ask for the urine sample cup that you know they're going to want anyway.

What I felt like saying, instead? "I'm about to pop, people! This baby's been dancing on my bladder the whole ride here! You should literally be throwing sample cups at me when I walk in the door not asking me to update my freaking address which is the same as it was last week!"

For Time Off Work

I know there's going to be push back on this one. "Pregnant people should be held to the same standards as everyone else or they're jerks not capable of working and taking advantage of the company!"

I say bullocks. I heartily denounce your presuppositions. Pregnant people are not like everyone else, and certainly not those who are "about to pop." Remember the ratio? Why the hell would you make her work 88,578 days 5 times a week?!

Understanding

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Please don't make an "about to pop" pregnant person ask for understanding for her mood swings, emotionality, irrationality, irritability, or any other such "ity." Just understand that she's bigger and more badass than ever before. Proceed with caution and say, "Yes, ma'am, thank you," often.

Anything. Ever.

She's doing enough creating literal life. Don't make her ask for anything.