Life
I knew nothing about lightning crotch until I experienced it for myself. I was in my office, walking down the hall, minding my own pregnant business when all of a sudden: BAM. It hit me. It was as though my vagina had been inexplicably electrocuted. It was swift, painful, and (mercifully) over pretty quickly. At first I attributed it to a previous diagnosis of neuralgia, but when I started talking to other expectant mothers (thank you internet message boards) I discovered that they could totally relate to what lightning crotch during pregnancy feels like. Yes, friends, this is A Thing.
Like many things having to do with women's health, lightning crotch, despite hurting a whole hell of a lot, really isn't discussed and is often brushed aside as "not that big a deal." And, anecdotally, it usually isn't a totally huge deal because the pain doesn't actually last too long. But for some women I've known, persistent "lightning crotch" makes pregnancy absolutely unbearable.
What exactly is this phenomenon? And perhaps more importantly, what causes it? Again, as is par for the course with women's health, we're not sure. It could be related to increased blood flow during pregnancy. It could be pressure on the nerves in the cervix. It could be varicose veins inside your damn vagina. So, until we figure that out, just deal with it, ladies! Your pain doesn't actually matter as much to the Medical Industrial Complex!
Fortunately, this bizarre symptom in and of itself doesn't appear to be related to any negative medical outcomes for you or your baby, but it does f*cking hurt. But just telling you it's painful isn't very responsible of me. Allow me to paint you a picture... with words.
Like That One Scene In 'Return Of The Jedi'
You know that one scene, where the evil Emperor Palpatine continually shocks an ill-prepared Luke Skywalker with Force lightning as the young Jedi writhes in agony and cries out "FATHER! PLEASE!" over and over again?
Yeah, it's like that. That jolting, electric sizzle happens deep in your fancy bits, turning what was once your body's coziest corner into a tiny torture chamber.
Another possible Star Wars reference: a lightsaber suddenly being turned on in there... and you didn't realize it was up there in the first place.
Like An Angry Surprise Party In Your Vag
Surprise parties are great! I always wanted one and it finally happened for me when I was 27, which is probably my best birthday to date. It was positively delightful to walk into my favorite bar and suddenly realize that all my friends were sitting around waiting for me and now the entire evening would be spent in pleasant revelry.
Lightning crotch is the opposite side of that same coin. It's that same sudden and all-encompassing pop of surprise, but instead of being good-natured and fun, it's malevolent and angry. Whereas a well-received surprise party is like "For me?! Oh you shouldn't have!" lightning crotch is like "*OMG why are you doing this to me! Please stop!"
Like Your Vagina Stuck A Fork In A Socket
I don't know how the vagina got a fork or how it's holding it, or why the vagina would stick said fork in a socket, but that's definitely the sensation going on down there, so I'll have to assume it happened. Maybe it wasn't a fork. I fully admit that I don't know all the details and it could have been some other form of flatware, like a butter knife or the handle end of an espresso spoon. Maybe it was a penny. My youngest brother once stuck a penny in a socket and it shocked him so badly his hair was singed. It is entirely possible the vagina stuck a penny in a socket. No matter what hijinks the vagina in question got itself into, it was unpleasant and ill-advised. Oh, vagina. When will you ever learn?
Like A Hair Metal Guitar Solo
You know when the person is raging away on their guitar, and they start to get into that super high-pitched territory that, even if you like hair metal (which I do not) sets your teeth on edge and then stays there for a really long time in a display of technical prowess? Lightning crotch is if you took that sound, made it a feeling, and then just stuck it up your vag like the world's most terrible douche... or something.
Like A Fuse Blew In Your "Lady Basement"
I never thought of it in these terms at the time, but ever since becoming a homeowner, I've become somewhat of an expert on fuses. My house is 55 years old and the electrical work, while solid, can be just a little bit fussy.
Without getting too technical, when too much is going on in a particular area of your home, electrically speaking, the fuse blows. This opens the electrical circuit as a fail safe measure to keep the wires from catching fire.
Crotch lightning is like that: it's normal, it's supposed to happen in some cases, but it's annoying and unpleasant.
The Cruciatus Curse From 'Harry Potter'
Also known as the Torture Curse, and it is used to inflict horrible pain on its victim. Crotch lightning is like when you have a tiny little Bellatrix up in your LeStrange. She has gone full-on Death Eater and is whipping up some Unforgivable Curses in your vag. Her magic is powerful, painful, and often strikes without warning.
Like A Physical Version Of The Feeling You Get When You Overhear Someone Being Awful
You know that hot prickly feeling you get when you see or hear someone being terrible to a perfectly reasonable service worker? Or when someone says something really sexist to you? You know how that can make you feel absolutely stunned at just how awful this person is, and when you finally collect yourself enough to say anything your first instinct is to scream?
Yeah, like that, but a physical sensation that can affect you emotionally rather than an emotional sensation that can affect you physically.
Like That One Scene In 'No Country For Old Men'
Remember how Javier Bardem's character killed people with a captive bolt pistol? Like Javier's preferred method of homicide in the film (which, I had to keep telling myself, was only a movie, only a movie, only a movie) lightning crotch is quick, unexpected, and brutal.
One big difference, however, is that your vagina hopefully has a better haircut than Javier. I mean, you do you if that's your thing, but holy cow that was a terrible do.
Like Your Baby Is Practicing Terrible Mutant Powers On Your Cervix
If the X-Men franchise has taught me one thing (and it's honestly taught me so, so much), it's that mutants are real and that many of them have powers pertaining to shooting energy beams of one kind or another. Storm can control the weather and shoot lightning at her foes. Gambit can convert potential energy to kinetic energy with mere touch. Cyclops shoots laser beams out of his damn eyes.
Mutants are born with these powers. So it makes sense that your unborn child, if a mutant, is honing their "gifts" inside of you. Every now and then a stray laser bean or whatever is going to shoot through your cervix and spread throughout your vag. It sucks for you, but humanity really thanks you for taking one for the team, because your child is definitely going to be a superhero someday.
Like Lightning
Because, I mean... duh. It's right there in the name.
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