Life
Congratulations, you and your partner have had a child! Everyone is healthy, you're beginning to get into the swing of parenthood, and your lady love has returned from her maternal care provider after her six week appointment with some good news: sex is (physically) back on the table. You can practically hear Beethoven's Ode to Joy playing in the back of your mind. Chances are you'll be happily humping one another with no significant problems, but pregnancy and childbirth change people as well as bodies. You've gotta play it cool, man, because there are things no grown-ass man will say during postpartum sex.
Look, I get the instinct: seeing your partner's naked, gyrating body for the first time in a long time may prompt you to begin to start discussions about said naked body, especially regarding the changes that have occurred since the last time you got to be intimate with them. It's like the sexy equivalent of running into someone after high school and thinking, "Oh wow, you do not look like the kid I knew so well a while back. You're, um, different." And of course they look different, because things have happened since then.
However, and for the love of all things postpartum, just don't say anything. For real. Now is not the time. Let everyone get off without introducing touchy, potentially explosive conversations into the mix. Chances are, your partner is well aware of how she has changed since pregnancy, and is sensitive if not, at the very least, a little self-conscious. Be a grown-ass man about this, all right? Never, ever attempt any of the following obnoxious statements or questions...
"Eeeeeeeeeeew! Milk!"
A grown-ass man knows that postpartum boobs are full of milk. Even if a mom is not breastfeeding, her body still (sometimes) produces the stuff for way longer than actually necessary. Look, nobody is saying you have to like getting a mouth full of milk or enjoy being occasionally squirted (yes, it happens), but a grown-ass man knows that this is a chance one takes in the name of postpartum sex, and doesn't make a big, juvenile thing of it.
"When Will You Lose The Rest Of The Baby Weight?"
Grown-ass men do not use sex as an opportunity to make their partners feel crappy about themselves. Chances are, a woman who has recently given birth is full aware of exactly how much weight she has gained since before she got pregnant. For many, this new number on the scale is unwelcome and a source of sadness or even anxiety. Sex is a fun, stress-free activity, but can simultaneously make anyone feel sort of vulnerable if you're not careful. Be sensitive and don't make this weird.
"You're A Totally Different Shape Now"
Yes, sir. Your partner grew a human inside of her and then expelled it from her body. There was a lot of shifting about of muscles, organs, bones, and ligaments, and that has the potential to change one's shape. A grown-ass man would never be so gauche as to state the obvious. Moreover, he would know that women face extreme societal pressure to conform to a very particular shape and that her "different shape" is very likely less in keeping with that stupid ideal.
"Your Stretch Marks Are So Weird"
Yes, human bodies do weird things when they go through pregnancy and childbirth, but not too many people want to be labeled as "weird" looking for having gone through it. Stop. Be a grown-ass man and keep this musing to yourself.
"Would You Ever Consider A 'Mommy Makeover'?"
Translation: "I don't like the way you look as much anymore and would like you to look more like you did before you had kids. Would you please have surgery to accommodate my boner?"
Even if you do not mean it that way, this will very likely it will be received. There is a mature, thoughtful, unoffensive way to discuss plastic surgery with a postpartum woman, and every grown-ass man knows that the only way such a conversation can occur is if the woman who would be having the surgery brings it up first and asks for another opinion. Also, definitely not during sex: not the build-up to, during, or while basking in the afterglow (it's just really terrible pillow talk).
"You Used To Be Tighter"
For real: if you ever say this to a woman during sex you have a death wish.
"Really? More Lube? What Are You Trying To Say?"
She's trying to say that her hormones are still raging and being allocated to new places and jobs throughout her body and that can potentially leave her vagine desert-like and in need of lubricant. A grown-ass man does not make his partner's altered physiological needs about him; he knows that her needing lube doesn't mean he isn't attractive or he's failing to arouse to her. Sometimes a girl just needs an extra boost.
"I Can't Go Down On You, It's Just Too Weird Now"
I'll level with you: even a grown-ass man can be thrown off-center after seeing his beloved partner go through childbirth. It can definitely be a lot to process, especially if there were complications during or after delivery. But if a grown-ass man has emotions he needs to process after witnessing birth, or adjusting to being a father, or thinking of his partner as a mother, he talks about them, either with his partner or friends or some sort of counselor. He doesn't simply shut down, or buy into some weird Madonna-Whore complex, or allow himself to be weirded out by vaginas for the rest of his life.
"Maybe We Can Both Start Working Out"
Everyone thinks this is a really smooth way to tell a partner they need to lose weight or shape up because, "Hey, we both need to get healthy," but a grown-ass man knows that this is the most transparent, passive-aggressive, bullsh*t suggestion in the book. Even if you'd like to make physical activity a part of your family routine, now is not the time to suggest it.
Put Pressure On Her To Have Sex When She Isn't Ready
A grown-ass man knows his partner just went through an ordeal. Even under the best of circumstances, childbirth brings on major physical, emotional, and psychological change. While most women will get the green light for sex at their six-week postpartum appointment with their OB or midwife, many won't be ready when the time comes, physically or otherwise. A grown-ass man respects that fact and helps his partner through her problems, while putting his own needs on the back-burner for a bit.
