Becoming a mother introduces many women to a new tribe: the Mom Tribe. These badass chicks can make this whole motherhood thing even more enjoyable. (Or, in moments when motherhood totally sucks, bearable.) However, no matter how cool your Mom Posse is, there are some things no one actually likes doing with other moms. They're a cadre of powerful and majestic good witches, but even they have their limits — they're witches, not gods, people.
Even if you're like me and most of your friends are child-free, the truth of the matter is that you're more than likely going to be exposed to new communities of other mothers just by virtue of schlepping around a tot of your own. You meet them at the playground. You kibitz at daycare drop-off and pick-up. You exchange sympathetic looks as your toddler loses their goddamn mind at the mall food court because there was a single oregano flake marring his slice of pizza. (OMG, child, you won't even be able to taste it and if you can it's good. I cook with oregano all the time and you like it. Don't let the fact that it's green fool you: it's not a vegetable.)
Other parents, specifically those who are within five years of the same parenting stage you are in, will get you on a level few other people can. But the sad fact remains that, awesome though they may be, some aspects of #momlife are always going to be kind of annoying. For instance:
Look, we're glad the kids are having fun, but birthday parties are miserable for parents. Once you get, like, 10 kids together, you may as well have 1,000 in one place. It's loud, it's off-the-wall, and even at a place specifically designed for large groups of children there seems to be a million and four ways for them to get into mischief.
Oh, and they're all full of sugar. So. Much. Sugar.
You will be nursing that crash for the rest of the weekend. The presence of other, similarly-minded mothers does not make this more bearable.
I know, I know: it's important. The past election cycle has lit fires under a lot of asses to get more involved in their communities and I hope that means more parents at PTA meetings. But oh my goodness it's dull AF.
Even if you plan to go with a group of your mom friends, you're just sitting there. And the heating in a room big enough to accommodate a PTA meeting is always either freezing cold or 10 degrees hotter than the flaming depths of Hades.
Prepping Crafts For A Class Party
It's a good idea to get a lot of other parents together to help make something for a class party. Many hands make light work, as they say, and how bad can it be if you're all chatting and crafting together, right? But if you're anything like me (and I know I'm not alone in this) there is no way twisting pipe cleaners around a pine cone (or whatever kind of crafts people make because I don't know I'm really bad at them) is ever going to be enjoyable.
Sorry not sorry: these things are awful. I go to them from time to time to support my friends, many of whom get some enjoyment out of their involvement in selling products for a large national or multinational company of their choosing. But, you guys, for real: I can't drop $50 every time you want to have a get together because you need to meet your quotas or whatever. Plus, sometimes there is just nothing I care to purchase. This whole situation just gets awkward after a while, especially if you have more than one mom friend who does this.
"What?! Are you kidding! I love high-intensity cardio workouts."
Come at me, liar. No one can like sitting on an uncomfortable seat and sweating amid a sea of other people. That's not a fun activity: that's Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell.
Trying To One Up Each Other
A lot of people derisively joke that this is moms' favorite activity. Who has the bigger house? The better car? The best-behaved kids? The nicest clothes? But, honestly, the vast majority of moms I know have absolutely no interest in this nonsense whatsoever. We all just want to show up at the playground in our leggings and top knots and talk about last night's episode of The Walking Dead.
Playing Mind Games
Similarly, the idea that the world of moms is some sort of vipers' pit of deceit and transactional alliances the likes of which you only ever see on Game of Thrones or The Real Housewives franchise is also a load of crap. Really, I promise, we're not plotting anything. Not against each other. Not together. You know what our master plan is? Making sure our kids don't stick forks in sockets.
Dealing With Becky's Bullsh*t
Because there's always one or two moms who affirm every nasty mom stereotype society at large clings to, and the rest of us cannot deal with her. She's the worst. And yet, for some reason, she is the one who shows up at every mom-related activity in your neighborhood. Go away, Becky. Get your priorities straight and then come back when you can be civil.
Watching Our Language Because Children Are Present
F*ck that, amiright, ladies?
Leaving The Booze Home Because "This Is Neither The Time Nor The Place"
Look, you don't go to a professional baseball game sober: you expect us to muscle through a t-ball game played by uncoordinated children without booze? Damn Puritans.
(I'm kidding, guys: please don't get hammered at your child's Little League games. There really is a time and a place for everything. Still, we moms can dream...)