I won't lie, it's difficult to figure out just what my child is thinking. After all, even as a 2-year-old toddler, he has a limited vocabulary and "real" words are mixed in with the mumbo jumbo that is toddler talk. Still, I'm pretty good at guessing because I know him better than most. So, when I think back on pregnancy, labor, delivery and his newborn life, I find myself assuming what he may or may not have been surmising. As a result, I'm pretty confident there are things your baby is thinking during pregnancy sex; things that are going to be kind of odd to even contemplate, but at least give you a decent laugh; things that definitely didn't stop me from getting busy while I was pregnant, and shouldn't stop you (if you are in the mood and want to get it on), either.
Again, these are just assumptions and are more a reflection of who I am as an individual than an accurate representation of what any growing baby may or may not be thinking. There's no way to know because, well, science has been too busy focusing on creating a pill that enables men to have erections than figuring out a way to capture the thoughts and feelings of a fetus. Thanks, science. So, all I have are guesses, pulled from the parts of my brain that think about such things when I'm up in the middle of the night with a sick kid, or just waxing nostalgically about pregnancy sex and how good (but very, vey awkward and sort of weird and somewhat uncomfortable) it was.
Pregnancy can be scary enough as it is, so why not add a little fun by trying to guess what it is that growing eggplant-sized-baby of yours is thinking, right? I know that when I was in the throes of my pregnancy — scared, confused, constipated, nauseous and, you know, not having any fun — wondering what my baby was thinking or feeling took the edge off, if only for a relatively short amount of time. So, with that in mind and because guessing is fun, here are just a few things your baby is thinking when you're getting it on, pregnancy style.
"Are We On A Boat?"
That growing fetus has to be feeling the "motion of my ocean," right? I mean, how can they not? While I'm normally not one to rock the boat, I can't say I'm sorry for the ride, kid. After all, mama has to get hers.
"Wait, What's A Boat?"
Then again, how can my growing child think he or she is on a boat, when they don't even know what a boat is? That just seems a little ridiculous.
On the other end of that coin, I'm pretty sure my kid — even as a fetus — is a super genius who has the ability to not only assume he's on a boat, but then question what a boat even is. Yes, I'm one of "those parents," and I make no apologies. My kid's a genius, and that's all there is to it. (Ignore the fact that my child picks his nose and eats it, please.)
"Ugh, Hurry Up. I'm Hungry."
When I was pregnant I was hungry all the damn time, even when I was getting busy. I blame my growing child, so I wouldn't be surprised if he was impatiently waiting for another helping or rice and ranch (I know, pregnancy cravings are weird) while I was trying to enjoy some sexy times. Patience, kid. Jeez.
"I Want Guacamole"
Fair. I mean, who doesn't want guacamole all the time? Even when they're having sex? Be honest.
"Wait, I Think I Just Peed A Little..."
It's only fair, because I spent the majority of my pregnancy feeling like I just peed a little, too. I'm sure my kid is doing the same, especially when he was along for the ride. If you can sit on my bladder all day, little one, I get to have a little bump and grind that may or may not make you pee. Sorry I'm not sorry.
...Oh, Yep. And I Drank It."
Gross. I mean, this happens, but gross.
No, really. A couple months into their development, babies start peeing into the amniotic fluid that surrounds them. They also drink that amniotic fluid, so, deductive reasoning will inevitably bring you to the harrowing conclusion that, yes, your baby drinks their own pee. Which means, uh huh; at one point in your life you drank your own pee, too.
I bet you're totally in the mood to have sex now, huh? You're welcome.
"We're Definitely On A Boat"
It's not like I'm going to stop in the middle of my sex-session and talk to my growing baby bump, explaining what's really going on. I will let my child assume he's on some yacht in the middle of the ocean during a particularly rough patch of sea. Sure, he's going to be disappointed when he's born and realizes his parents will never, ever, be able to afford said yacht, but I can live with that.
"Can I Make A Ship-To-Shore Call?"
No. No you can not.
Unless, of course, by "call" you mean kicking me in my ribs for the seventeenth time in the last five minutes. Clearly, you can do that, and rather well.
"Although, This Is Some Impressive Entertainment..."
"...I Mean, The Sound Effects Are Amazing."
It's true that babies can hear sound when they're in the womb. Muffled sound, mind you, but they can hear things. So, not to make things weird, but they'll probably be in on your, um, "sex sounds."
Don't worry, they don't know what they're really hearing. After all, your baby thinks you're all just on a boat somewhere.