Ah, babies. They're just so sweet and so innocent and they look like perfect little angels. They're all soft and cuddly and so snuggly and warm. I mean, they even smell good. However, there's no denying the times babies are gross hell monsters because, well, they are. They totally are. For every moment they're undeniably adorable, is about ten moment they're pretty freakin' gross. It's just science.
When my now 4-year-old son was a baby, a new and rather disgusting thing happened pretty much every day. I was in no way prepared for any of it. However, the worst moment occurred when he ate a fully engorged tick that had fallen off our cat. He saw it there on the floor, thought it looked like something he needed to eat, and popped that sucker (get it? HA!) right into his tiny baby mouth. He crawled over to me with something brown dribbling down his chin. I assumed he'd found a raisin or piece of chocolate chip cookie until I fished the remains out of his mouth.
I wretch a little now just thinking about it. I had to look very closely to figure out it was not, in fact, a raisin. Raisins (last I checked) didn't have legs, let alone eight of them. Eight tiny legs and a tiny little head on a chewed up, flattened body. I blew up my pediatrician's phone. I blew up the internet. I blew up Facebook. I was lucky I didn't blow up my bathroom by vomiting all over the place. So, because I would never wish that kind of panic-stricken-disgust on anyone, here's 10 times you can expect your precious angel to completely and totally gross you out.
When You Literally Suck Snot From Their Noses
Ah, the NoseFrieda. Parents swear by them and on-parents vomit at the very thought of them. To the uninitiated, it seems like you're sticking a straw up your baby's nose and sucking out the snot with your mouth. In reality? Well, ok yeah that's exactly what you're doing.
Whatever. It works.
When You Catch Their Vomit In Your Hands. Your Actual Hands.
Every parent has done this. Every. Single. One. You hear the sounds warning you that vomit is about to be part of your current reality, immediately look around, panic stricken, for a towel or napkin or shirt (where is all the dirty laundry that's usually laying around when you need it!), and then in the split second before puke hits floor, you take one for the team and stick your hands in the line of fire.
When Their Poop Explodes Up Their Back
It's a tale as old as time. You dress your baby in an adorable outfit and you're excited to get out of the house because, let's face it, that doesn't happen much lately. You go to pick him or her up and your hand comes away slightly damp and a bit sticky. WTF is that?
OH. Oh no. The up-the-back diaper explosion just happened and it's all over your kid. Now you have to pull off that poop covered onesie and, of course, the process you smear poop all over your kid. Hair, arms, shoulders; it's everywhere and wipes just spread it around. Motherhood is the most fun, right?
When They Eat Disgusting Things
Your baby will put anything in his or her mouth. Dog food? Sure. Day old cheese from under the couch? Yep. Cat poop from the litter box? Heck yeah. Babies do not discriminate when it comes to what goes into their mouths. Unless it's food you actually want them to eat. Then you can just forget about it.
One Word: Meconium
The books and blogs you read, the nurses and your midwife or OB-GYN; they all warned you. Everyone warned you about meconium, your baby's first poop after birth. Everyone said it would be black and tarry and a little sticky and thought you were ready. You figured, "Oh, this is NBD. A little black poop? Please. I got this."
So wrong. So, so wrong.
When They Shoot Poop From Their Butt Like a Fire Hose
If it hasn't happened to you yet, just wait. It's coming. You lay your baby down on the changing table, business as usual. You take off the diaper and pull baby's legs back and there it is: laser poop. The distance would be impressive if it wasn't so disgusting so, well, hopefully you have easy-to-clean walls.
When They Pee On You
Babies will pee whenever wherever the urge strikes them. If that happens to be straight up into your face when you're changing them, so be it. Down into your open mouth while you're holding them over your head? Totally. Best advice? Always stand up stream.
When They Poop In The Bathwater
The first time this happened, I freaked. However, there's no denying that it happens and quiet frequently with some babies. Something about that warm water just gets the ole bowels moving. If you're a co-bather like me, may the odds be ever in your favor.
When They Still Have Their Umbilical Cord
Nothing can prepare a new parent for the umbilical cord. It just stays there, stuck to your baby like a piece of beef jerky, just waiting until it's dried up and desiccated enough to fall off.
And then it falls off.
If you're lucky, you were present when it fell off and know where it went. If not? Well, good luck finding it before the cat does.
When Their Poop Reminds You Of Food
Cottage cheese, mustard, raspberry jam; the food-poop comparisons are as omnipresent as the food-fetus size comparisons in the baby books. You will scour the internet for explanations of WTH is going on in your kid's diaper and, without fail, food will be mentioned. The grossest part? It's totally on point.