Having a baby is many things — inspiring, exciting, scary — but one thing it isn't, sadly, is "cool." Sorry. It's a known fact that being a parent takes away from your overall cool factor. It doesn't necessarily
destroy all your social cache, but there's only "so cool" anyone can look with a burp cloth over their shoulder. But you can work to combat this, starting with your home decor. Here are some unique nursery themes that prove you're still totally cool.
you know you're cool. And you're excited to have a baby, to be sure, but you really, really, really need people to know you're not going to be like once the baby comes. You're hip! You're with it! You're not a "regular mom," you're a cool mom. The baby is going to be chill because you're going to put chillness on your other parents vision board and it's going to manifest. That's totally how this works. Before you know it, you and the baby will come rolling up to all the same social events you've always attended, dressed to the nines, of course, and partake of the same witty banter that has become your trademark.
So here are some nursery ideas that let people know
you're still and always will be: so cool,
You're not going to let a
poopy, pukey, peeing baby change your life! That's why everything in the nursery will be white ; this shows all who enter, including your newborn, how confident you are that your life will remain orderly and pristine. That shag carpet? Definitely going to stay white. White changing table? Absolutely will be white and not at all stained in bright yellow poo. If you can just keep this room perfect then absolutely nothing is going to change, including how cool you are.
Nothing screams "I'm still a cool, carefree young person" than harkening to when you were probably at your coolest and most carefree — your first apartment! It was probably sort of crappy (who can afford a really
nice apartment when you're young?) so lean into that aesthetic! Decorate with band posters in chintzy plastic frames you got from the Dollar Store. Definitely don't put lead paint in a nursery, but go for a color (some sort of dingy white) that makes people bite their lip in concern and wonder if that is, in fact, lead paint. That armchair someone left out on a curb that probably has bed bugs? Perfect for rocking baby to sleep but still letting people know you're, like, so Bohemian!
Judy Chicago's 'The Dinner Party'
What better way to show people that you'e still a cultured intellectual than referencing an acclaimed and beloved piece of late-20th century art? Also, I'm pretty sure babies love
abstract, grand-scale feminist art that makes blatant reference to the vulvas of historical figures. I mean, there's a good chance they came out of a vagina, so why wouldn't they be a fan of the general area?
What you're going to want to do here is create a triangular space (itself a vulva reference) and just pack it full of any vulvar metaphor you can think of. Very sophisticated, very high brow, you're still smart and cool.
The Films Of Quentin Tarantino
So edgy. So hip. So full of f-bombs. You had that
Pulp Fiction poster on your wall all throughout college so this is a great way to let people know, "Obviously the work is problematic in some ways, particularly in regards to race, but you can't help but appreciate Tarantino's encyclopedic knowledge of his craft. Let's talk about the history of cinema while I change this diaper. You see? I'm still with it."
Honestly, an easy way to do this is to take the original White Nursery motif and just run around with red paint and make splatters. Even without direct reference people will get it.
Be sure to lisp the "z" when you tell people about it —
IbiTHa — but do it naturally so that it looks like it comes to you naturally and you're not actually trying to be so damn cool. Luxury, excess, scantily clad pretty people, you know, all very normal things for a nursery.
Is there a hipper event out there? Go ahead and decorate the space with flower crowns, band posters, a VIP cocktail tent — babies
love VIP cocktail tents*. Make sure you spend half your time in this nursery taking selfies with your newborn (babies are so good at duck lips) and the other half finding the perfect filter.
*don't give your baby cocktails.
Luxury brand logos are
such great shorthand for letting everyone know how awesome you are, so fill your child's room with brands, brands, brands to let everyone know you're still a baller. No, seriously. Go ahead and give your baby $300 onesies from Dolce and Gabana. That's a great use of your money. *stifling laughter* They so won't destroy that in a single diaper blowout and they'll be able to wear it over and over again for years. *choking on giggles* OMG you're still so cool!
Baby will be delighted watching you and your friends
do keg stands at 3 a.m., heedless of the fact that your RA has been pounding on your door for the last 10 minutes and that campus police are on their way. Empty, two-week old pizza boxes and empty cans of PBR will add a whimsical touch to this totally still cool nursery.
You can play this one of two ways.
Self-delusion: Decorate your child's bedroom like the hottest new club, complete with elaborate lighting design, loud music, and bottle service in an attempt to relive your glory days.
Deluding Others: Put a velvet rope outside the nursery with a bouncer and don't let anyone else in (because they'll see that, inside, it's just a regular nursery).
A Nursery, But, Like, *Ironically*
Photo courtesy of Jamie Kenney
"OMG you guys, look at
all this baby gear. It's sooooooo corny. LOL. Isn't it so bold to have a nursery that looks like a nursery? So meta. But that's me, you know? I'm just cool like that."