From movies, TV shows, and the handful of pregnant ladies I’d known before getting pregnant myself, I knew about the quintessential pregnancy symptoms. I didn't, however, know pregnant women had especially vivid dreams. Apparently this is very much a thing, but if ever there were a set of dreams I'd never want to come true, it would be these. So many things that happen in my weird pregnancy dreams I’d like to forget forever, but I can't. So all that's left is to laugh, I suppose.
In hindsight, it makes some sense that during such an exciting, nerve-wracking time, my dreams would reflect all that excitement, anxiety, and hormone-driven randomness. But it seems like something of a design flaw, to fill what little sleep I was able to get between fetal kung fu practice and constant trips to the bathroom with all the most bizarre things my brain could conjure up. And I could definitely have done without the crystal clear images of the many creative ways Dream Me found to put my yet-to-be born baby in danger. I know I enjoyed reading my online mom friends’ weird dreams when I polled them about it, so here are some of my (least) favorites, for your amusement.
The Baby Bookmark
In one of my dreams, my husband and I were out shopping with our new son, and realized we needed some way to carry him into the store. So my husband decided to put him in a book he had borrowed from me, like a bookmark. I was so pissed. “What's wrong with you? You can't put our baby in a book like that, he’ll break the binding!” Yay, priorities.
Too Quiet For His Own Good
Like every new mom, I was constantly worried I might screw up this whole parenting thing. A few times, I dreamt that I forgot to feed or change my newborn son for three straight days, who hadn't cried or anything. When I realized my mistake, I turned to him and asked, “Why didn't you say anything?!” and he just shrugged.
The Bottomless Bowl Of Pasta
Ordinarily, a giant bowl of pasta seems like a great time. But every time I took a bite, it evaporated out of my mouth, so I never got to enjoy the taste or satisfy my hunger. Naturally, I had to have a huge bowl of pasta for breakfast after that one.
The Stretch Armstrong
In one of my dreams during my second trimester, the first time I tried to dress my baby, every time I touched my son, that body part would stretch out like a long piece of taffy, that I couldn't put back the right way. So scary.
All The Bizarre Sex Dreams
So many people I never, ever wanted to think of naked, in so many weird situations. Why, brain? Why?
The Teddy Bear Birth
This was actually the grossest of all my pregnancy dreams. Something about a soft, fluffy teddy bear emerging from my lady bits just skeeves me TF out.
The Strange Monster Puppies
I once dreamt that I gave birth to a pair of cute yet weird — and very toothy — puppies. They were born hungry, of course, so my husband and midwives were eager for me to let them latch and breastfeed. Hard. Pass. They all kept insisting that I was being unreasonable for not wanting to do it, because they apparently couldn't tell that these were dogs with giant teeth. Shudder.
The Rogue Partner
These were my husband’s least favorite dreams, because after spending the night dreaming that he did any number of awful things he'd never do in real life, I’d wake up kinda mad at him for the many ways Dream Husband wronged me and our family. He's a trooper.
The Ejector Car Seat
I was massively afraid of screwing up the car seat installation, which showed up in my dream as a seat that shot straight up and out of our car when I stopped abruptly at a red light. ‘Cause that's what my nervous new mom mind needs: the image of my child being catapulted out of my car. Thanks a lot, brain.
The “Groundhog Day” Pregnancy
Multiple times during the cold winter of my seemingly endless third trimester, I dreamt that instead of going into labor and having a baby, I'd go into labor and then birth a positive pregnancy test, signaling that it was time to start my whole pregnancy over again.
When I finally did have my baby, the first words out of my mouth were, “He's real!” My midwives were right: pregnancy is not a hoax, and it does actually result in babies sometimes. And, thankfully, something of a reprieve from crazy dreams — mostly because I didn't sleep long enough to have any dreams for the first few days postpartum.