Life
Nothing like crazy pregnancy mood swings to make you feel like you've lost your mind. Hormones aren't an excuse for heinous behavior, but they can definitely provide an explanation. The hormonal onslaught is overwhelming and can manifest as verbal evisceration of others. Because your partner is usually your safe person, they're often your target. For better or worse, you're fairly confident they'll still love you when this is all over. So you unleash holy hell on them, generally in the form of passive aggressive things you'll say to your partner when you're pregnant.
I am a terrible pregnant person. It's true. I am a miserable gestating sad sack who can be very mean to her husband and, occasionally, small children and cute puppies. Go ahead and judge me, but make sure it's after you've vomited every day for 20 weeks straight. So yeah, my fuse was a little on the short side. During those nine months of insanity, I'm pretty sure I told my partner that he "might want to rethink his priorities," and I definitely labeled a container of homemade cookies "Not For You." ("Someone" drew a tiny hand flipping me off in reply.)
For many women, but certainly not all, pregnancy is a rough time. Partners would do well to remember what their pregnant counterparts are going through, especially when they utter any of the following phrases:
"How'd You Sleep?"
The pregnant woman in your life is only asking you this question so she can highlight what a terrible night she had. Pregnancy insomnia is a common complaint among the expectant set. Leg cramps, backache, and accommodating a growing belly lead to some serious nighttime tossing and turning. It's safe to say she resents the fact that you can sleep like a log.
"What Did You Do Today?"
Oh, you answered emails and created a PowerPoint? Neat. I grew the lungs of our child.
"Fine"
This is the pregnant woman's go-to for ending an argument, to be used interchangeably with "whatever." Oh, you want to name our child Nimrat? Fine. You don't need my help (and by help, I mean criticism) assembling the crib? Whatever.
"Another Beer, Huh?"
What is that, number three? There's nothing like not being able to drink to make you judgmental about other people's alcohol intake. When I saw my husband enjoying yet another glass of my beloved cabernet, I would tell him that some partners stop drinking in solidarity with their pregnant wives and girlfriends. Hint, passive aggressive hint.
"I Can't Because I Have To Think Of The Baby"
What she's really saying is, "I'm putting the baby first unlike someone I know." I'm pretty sure I hurled this one at my husband when he was hospitalized with staph infection during my first trimester and I didn't want to visit and expose myself or the baby.
"You Go And Have Fun Without Me"
OMG. Don't go. My husband took a weekend gambling and debauchery trip to Vegas with his buddies during my first trimester. I sat at home on the couch stewing (when I wasn't throwing up, of course). I did forgive him a little when he came home with a tiny visor for our unborn child, but only a little.
"Oh Really? Where Did You Read That?"
This is usually in reaction to anything resembling criticism about what you should or should not be doing as a pregnant person. "I didn't think you were supposed to have caffeine" or, "Exercise is good for the baby" are passive-aggressive judgments that deserves a response in kind.
"Must Be Nice"
A pregnant lady does not want to hear about the delicious sushi and sake combo you had for lunch. As she watches you lower yourself into that hot tub and delicious relaxation, her mouth says "must be nice" but her face says "I will end you."
"What Did You Think Of The Article I Sent You?"
I only ask because I know you didn't read it, and I have read all the books. Here, I marked the chapter for partners with a sticky note.
"Oh. You Bought The Chocolate Ice Cream. Thanks."
Because I distinctly said vanilla. I tried really hard to be grateful when my husband did something nice for me, but it was hard to pretend when it wasn't exactly what I wanted. Or maybe it wasn't that hard, but I just didn't have the energy after, you know, growing life.
Sorry, partners. It will all be over soon. In the meantime, remember your passive-aggressive response mantra: patience is a virtue.
