While White Claw has found a kind of ironic-but-not-really following among self-declared millennial bros, the hard seltzer has been stereotyped a "woman's drink." And when you're talking about millennial women, a lot of them are going to be moms. So what are the signs you're a White Claw mom? Sit back, crack open your favorite flavor (I suggest Ruby Grapefruit), and let's take a look.
White Claw is for the fun mom. The mom who doesn't take herself too seriously. The mom who doesn't pretend to love beer because she thinks it'll make guys like her. The mom who can admit that she just wants something easy to drink that's going to give her a little bit of a buzz." The mom who is proud to declare, "I like fruity drinks!" because she knows fruit is delicious. White Claw mom is a mom who loves herself and is comfortable in her own skin.
I'll level with you: I don't particularly love White Claw myself. They're good, but generally not my first drink of choice. Yet the backlash against the beverage's popularity makes me incredibly defensive of it. People are weirdly obnoxious about the fact that a lot of people like them. White Claw is like the summertime answer to the Pumpkin Spice Latte. People! Let people drink what makes them happy! You don't like White Claw? OK. Shh. Listen: do you hear that? That overwhelming and profound silence? That's the sound of literally no one caring or trying to convince you that you're wrong. No one is forcing it down your throat. After all, more White Claws for White Claw Mom!
"Basic" Is Not An Insult
Look, is drinking White Claw "basic?" Yes, yes it is. Do you care? Absolutely not. Things are basic because they're popular and things get popular for a reason. And have you noticed that only things popular among women are dubbed "basic"? Interesting, right? And don't tell me I'm wrong on this, because if the only parameters for "basic" were "popular" and "hyped," there is nothing on this Earth that's more basic than craft IPAs. But when dudes like something they're not basic: they're connoisseurs.
So yeah, "basic" is just another way to turn "woman" into an insult and you're having none of that.
You Probably Also Love LaCroix
I mean, really, what is White Claw but boozy LaCroix? Like, for sure LaCroix is a gateway to White Claw.
You Are Strategic With Your Calories
I'll not dance around the idea that diet culture is absolutely toxic and terrible and I in no way promote it, but I do think there is a healthy, balanced way to be mindful of balancing your body's needs and your body's desires, and being aware of calories can be a part of that.
Despite (mostly joking) claims, White Claw isn't even a little bit healthy, but it does have fewer "empty calories" than a beer. This means more belly room for guac which is, like, the good kind of fat, you guys, so you should probably eat a ton of it.
There *Are* Laws When You're Drinkin' Claws
Because as much as you like boozy seltzer, you're still a mom, and a mom cut-loose is still probably 100x more responsible than the same woman in her early 20s on a typical night out. This isn't to say child-free women are irresponsible — certainly not as a blanket statement. It's just to say that moms live in a constant state of being "on-call," so a parental "chill" is never completely chill, you know?
Every Summer Event Includes White Claw
Memorial Day BBQ? #whiteclaw
Fourth of July? #whiteclawsummer
Block party? #whiteclawb*tches
Labor Day picnic? #clawtime
Play date with fellow White Claw Moms? Oh you'd better believe it's #whiteclawwednesday with your #clawcult.
You Don't Take Sh*t From Beer Bros
"White Claw? Pfft. That's a girl drink!"
"tHaT'S A gIrL DrINk! Hell yeah it's a girl drink, Derek. It's light and tasty and probably has a higher alcohol content than your beer. You couldn't handle The Claw. Now sit down and be quiet: women are talking."
You're A Sucker For A Good Logo
I mean just look at it. It's so pretty. So simple. So black and white. So nautical. You would absolutely get a t-shirt with this logo on it.
OMG, do they make this? *Googles* OMG, they do... and this one is available on Prime! Oh hell yeah, I'm getting that.
You Have Associated Each Of Your Children With One Of The Six Flavors
"This is my daughter Hazel. She's sweet but a little bit sour. She's a total Natural Lime. And this is my son Malcolm. He's sweet and thoughtful and always wants to help out, so definitely a Raspberry. And have you met Tatum? She's my sassy child *lowers voice and puts hand to mouth* a real Ruby Grapefruit, if you know what I mean."
You're Not Doing It For The 'Gram...
... but you are absolutely going to to put every White Claw situation on social media. Whether you're on the stoop with you're friends after dinner as the kids play, or you're on a boat, your filters are ready and your hashtag game is strong.
Isn't that part of the fun of White Claw? Like, objectively you know it's not fancy. You can get it at Target for about the cost of the same amount of beer. But it feels fancy, doesn't it? It's so light and refreshing and the can is pretty and you feel all dainty as you get your drink on.
You Don't Apologize
Because like moms everywhere just trying to do their best, White Claw gets a lot of smug but entirely unjustified and uncalled for judgment. But you, White Claw Mom, are not going to apologize for who you are or what you like because life is too short to spend any time bowing to other people's opinions.