If you've had a miscarriage, you know the unique brand of suck that goes along with it. From the wide range of emotions one can feel to the stupid things people say to you to the physical aches, pains, and discomfort, everything about the process is an exercise in burden and endurance on every conceivable level. It's in those moments when you could really use your bestie... but, unfortunately, too many of us have absolutely no idea what to say when our best friend suffers a miscarriage. We just know we want to say...something.
Women who have had miscarriages form one of the largest, most secretive clubs in the world. Even those of us with membership don't really know what the deal is a lot of the time. Do we talk about Miscarriage Club? Do we not? Do we only talk about it with other members? So we can hardly blame "the outsiders" for not knowing how to comfort us. The inclination, I find, is to stay silent after an initial "I'm sorry." This isn't done maliciously. In fact, I find it's done compassionately: The thought is that any mention of pregnancy loss will make someone feel worse than they already do. Who wants to make their friend upset? But the truth is that this cultural taboo about discussing death can be extremely isolating and prolong the worst of the mourning process. A couple of well-worded, warm texts won't make everything better, but they can go a long way in making your friend feel comforted, loved, and free to talk about her feelings.