11 Things Every Mom Thinks About Sleep, But Doesn't Say Out Loud

It’s a truth universally acknowledged by all: new parents don’t get a lot of sleep. This is not news, and such common knowledge that I almost feel silly spelling it out. Still, it’s probably important that we clarify, just in case anyone reading this currently has a newborn at home, in which case I totally don’t expect you to remember anything aside from how to get from your bed to the crib and back again. Along with the sleep deprivation and confusion comes a number of things all new moms think about sleep, but don’t say out loud. It’s not that we don’t want to say them out loud, it’s just that we are too tired to articulate our thoughts and we are too tired to even make plans with our loved ones to whom we would communicate these thoughts to and we're too tired to remember what in the hell we were even talking about.

Seriously, life with a new baby can turn your world upside down, and will most surely mess with your sleep schedule in intense, grueling, glorious* ways. Still, perhaps there’s solace in knowing other moms have been there, too. We can come together in solidarity and mourn the sleep-filled nights we're convinced we'll never experience again. Then, when sleep does return as a somewhat normal staple in our life, we can wax nostalgic about how cute our non-sleeping newborns were, and even contemplate having another child because we're masochists and time is a cruel mistress that tricks us into having children because we forget how tired we were.

Time hasn't done that to me, though. Well, not yet. My son is two years old, and two years isn't enough to erase the thoughts I had about sleep; the thoughts I was too tired to articulate; the thoughts that, I suspect, every new mother has but can't bring herself to say out loud.

*probably not at all glorious, actually, but at least we can hold hope in our hearts, right?

Will Life Always Feel Like A Never-Ending Finals Week?

Will I ever sleep again? Will this child ever sleep again? Will these things ever happen at the same time? What is life? Who am I?

Coffee Is Not The Worst Replacement

I suppose if I'm going to substitute some kind of substance in place of sleep, it could be a lot more terrible than coffee. At times, it felt like my cold brew was the only thing keeping me from collapsing.

I Regret Every Day I Used To Think 7 A.M. (OK, 8 A.M.) Was Early

Those 8 a.m. meetings are sounding downright luxurious now. Man, I was such a fool. A lovely, sleep-having fool.

My Child Looks Adorable And Amazing While They Sleep And Everything Is Awesome

I mean, at least babies are cute when they sleep, right? If I'm going to be awake and staring at someone else doing the thing I wish I was doing, I'm glad I can appreciate how sweet they look.

“Sleep While The Baby Sleeps” Is Crap Advice

Seriously, if I'm sleeping while the baby sleeps, then who is going to stare at the ceiling and listen to him breathe? This is a real question.

Do I Have Some Kind Of New Mom Hormone Pulsing Through My Veins Right Now?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I was seriously exhausted and didn't know up from down, or left from right, or Tuesday from Friday. But, when you consider the amount of sleep new moms are actually functioning on, there's perhaps some magic happening there, too. In other times of my life, I could barely move after one night of four or five hours, but with a newborn, you're dealing with that for weeks at a time and rockin' it like a boss.

Two In The Afternoon Is A Fine Time To Go To Bed, Please Don’t Make This Weird

I love my family, I really and truly do. Having said that (in writing), if any of them try coming over unannounced in the middle of the afternoon again, drastic and necessary changes will be made.

[Unintelligible Gibberish]

Let's be real, sometimes we're unable to form complete thoughts when we're that sleep-deprived. I'd be remiss if I didn't include at least a tip of the hat to the absolute nonsense.

I Never Thought 4 Hours Of Sleep Would Feel This Good

Of course I'd prefer five or six (I can't say seven or eight, I don't want to be greedy and unrealistic), but after a long stretch of two or three hours at a time? Yeah, four hours feels amazing.

This Is Next-Level Physical Discomfort...

I mean, it's like being hungover for three months straight, without any of the fun parts that you can hold onto when your head is in the toilet and you feel like death. Technically, it gets a little fun when the baby starts smiling, but that's not quite the same.

...But My Kid Is Worth It

It is what it is, right? My son is two years old and has been sleeping well recently (knock on wood), but if I had to do it all over again, I would. I mean, I might have to prepare myself for another round of sleepless nights but, of course, hell yes, it's totally worth it.