Surprisingly, people actually think it's acceptable to say a slew of intrusive things to pregnant women. And we're supposed to what? Grin and bear it? No thanks. If someone is rude or insensitive about my body, I reserve the right to respond with an appropriate level of sassiness and sarcasm. When you're nearing the end of your pregnancy, there's nothing more annoying than being asked if you've had that baby yet. So for my third trimester sisters, it's my pleasure to offer you the following responses to being asked if you're "still" pregnant.
I went a full 40 weeks with my daughter, so I know how creepy people can be to a woman nearing her due date and how infuriating that kind of commentary can be. I "sucked it up," though, because it was my first time and I didn't know any better. I'm currently seven months pregnant with a second baby, and I am not here for remarks about my changing body. I've already been told by a woman in my pole dance class that I'm "not going to make it." Because, you know, apparently I already look like Humpty Dumpty. I didn't say anything and, instead, I figured still being able to get my ass over my head was a pretty good clap back.
The whole "still" pregnant thing really baffles me. According to Science Daily, the length of human pregnancies has a natural variation of up to five weeks. In fact, anywhere between 37 and 42 weeks is considered "normal." So you can always throw the science at Captain Obvious and friends, but I think you'll find the following comebacks just a little more satisfying:
"Thanks, I Totally Forgot"
It totally slipped my mind, but fortunately this fetus tap-dancing on my bladder is here to remind me. Oh, and you. You're the real hero.
"No I Had The Baby"
This is best said while looking around like you misplaced something important, muttering, "I could have sworn he was right here," and then running frantically out to the car.
"Yes, But I'm Expecting My Cervix To Dilate Any Time Now"
Nothing like talking about about the thinning and stretching of your innermost lady parts to make people as uncomfortable as they've made you. Say it with me, folks: effacement and dilation.
"I Like Pregnancy So Much I Decided To Stay This Way"
Vomiting without warning is my favorite. As is peeing every time I cough or sneeze. None of my clothes fit, and I have a hemorrhoid big enough to name. Obviously, I'm staying pregnant as long as I can.
"I Tried Castor Oil, But It Just Gave Me The Runs"
Do you have any helpful suggestions for inducing labor that don't involve me peeing out my butt? I'd be forever obliged.
"I'm Actually Gestating An Elephant Calf"
You see, this isn't actually a human baby. It's a pachyderm. I'm not even halfway yet.
"Oh, This? I Just Had A Big Breakfast."
Yep, I'm not actually pregnant, and now you've gone and assumed I was. Good job. Pardon me while I have another bagel and cry myself to sleep.
"My Partner & I Keep Having Sex, But No Luck!"
I asked the old wives, and they all told me that intercourse was a surefire way to get this baby out. Aww, was that too much information for you, buddy? Sorry not sorry.
"I'm Only 57 Weeks. Should I Be Worried?"
Nine months times four weeks a month equals, what again? #BadAtMath
"A Wizard Is Never Late, Nor Is He Early"
Gandalf with the mic drop!
"I Guess Baby Didn't Get The Memo"
I'm sure I told him that he was supposed to arrive on his due date, but you know kids. Maybe I should try swallowing a calendar.
"Yeah, But I'm Holding It In"
I've almost finished my memoir, and I just feel like a baby would really cramp my style at this point in time. And this is completely unrelated, but if you see me uncross my legs, you should probably call an ambulance. Thanks.
Check out Romper's new video series, Bearing The Motherload, where disagreeing parents from different sides of an issue sit down with a mediator and talk about how to support (and not judge) each other’s parenting perspectives. New episodes air Mondays on Facebook.