13 Feelings You Have When You Spill A Bottle Of Pumped Breast Milk

It is obvious to me that whoever came up with the phrase "there's no use crying over spilled milk" never hooked themselves up to a breast pump. Because anyone who has can tell you that while there might not be much practical use in tears, your crying is an unbidden, natural reaction. Not just crying, but profusely weeping, complete with the gnashing of teeth, and rending of garments. There's really no such thing as overreacting when it comes to the loss of breast milk.

To be fair, some people have a perfectly fine relationship with their breast pump. They strap it on ze boobies, let it do its work for about 15 minutes, et voila, they have two beautiful, 5-ounce bottles of milk. Easy peasy. And even those people will justifiably sob if they spill. So you can imagine how bad it is for those of us who really, really hate pumping. My relationship with my breast pump was... not fine. If it were a relationship between two people, it would look like a particularly tumultuous Hollywood marriage between two temperamental narcissists. I hated my pump and, in turn, my pump hated me.

There's no use crying over spilled milk. Pfft. Girl, please. Not only can you cry over spilled milk, you can go ahead and feel any and all of the following emotions...

Horrified Disbelief

OMGwaitwhatjusthappened?! It all happened so fast! I... how did... but... no. No! That couldn't have happened. I'm always so careful.

The Feeling My Really Drunk Friend In College Must Have Had When He Began Drinking Spilled Beer Out Of The Carpet

Dude was so drunk and so desperate that he was going to drink that last beer in his fridge that he immediately dropped to his belly and started slurping the rug. (Yeah... it wasn't pretty because, as you can imagine, that dorm-apartment carpet was beyond filthy.) But I can't say I don't know exactly what he was feeling in that moment because there are times when I'd have done any disgusting thing I can imagine in order to unspill a bottle of breast milk.

Mozart's Requiem Mass

Seriously, just listen to the first two minutes or so and tell me that is not the song that is happening in the back of your mind when you spill milk. Dramatic, mournful, anguished, and heartbroken. I'm convinced Mozart must have pumped at some point because only a person who was hooked up to a milking machine and then had the fruits of their labor splashed upon a cold unfeeling floor could have written that music.

Anguished Loss


Because that is 4 ounces and 20 minutes you are never, ever getting back, not to mention the physical and mental suffering of having had to deal with your damn breast pump. Not to mention that this screws with your pumping/feeding schedule if you don't have a sufficient freezer stash (which I never did).

The Feeling The Dad In A Christmas Story Must Have Had When The Leg Lamp Broke

That apoplectic and potent combination of disbelief, anger, bitterness, and just enough misguided hope that you can make it better to be tragic.

Blind Rage

For there are no words and you cannot be responsible for your ensuing actions. If you murder a man in broad daylight by pouncing on his head and biting him in the face, as long as you had one woman on the jury who ever pumped, she will ~get it~ and you will walk free.

Desire To Cast Blame

Because certainly you would never do something so horrible. And something like this, hitting you where you hurt, cannot not be personal. Find this evil sorcerer and burn them for witchcraft.

The Feeling You Had When Brother Muzone And Omar Kill Stringer Bell On 'The Wire'

That breathless sense of, "Wait. That's it? That just actually happened? No! Oh my God how can it end like that? Goddamnit!"

The Feeling That If You Could, You Would Be Gollum Diving Into The Fires Of Mount Doom For The One Ring

Because breast milk is your precioussssssssss and you would fight a hobbit and jump into fire to save it.

Leonardo DiCaprio Crying

He remains one of the best criers in Hollywood. His pain is our pain. Leo gets us.

Also Claire Danes Crying

Another one of the Great Weepers. Her chin alone deserves an Emmy. Like Leo's tears, Claire's chin knows what we're going through.

The Feeling You Had When Ned Stark Was Beheaded

Because even though, when you look back, there were a million clues to let you know that it was going to happen, you still just can't believe it happened and you'll never get over how awful and unfair it all is.

Angry Resignation


Because what are you going to do.