13 Ways Having Tattoos Makes You The Worst Mom Who's Ever Been Allowed To Have Kids
If there's one definitive way to tell whether or not someone is an awful parent, it's examining them for tattoos. I know that's the first thing I do when my daughter asks if she can have a playdate with a friend:I examine her friend's mother for any sign of permanent ink. If I find some, NOPE. Playdate cancelled. I would rather my kid sit at home alone all day, every day, than hang out with the clearly-ruined progeny of the type of completely unfit mom who would have tattoos. Moms who have tattoos spell nothing but trouble, and we all know it. Just ask anyone.
Although I'm really one to talk, considering the menacing one-inch tattoo of a music note that taunts people from its station on my ankle. Perhaps I'm being vetted by the other moms in my daughter's kindergarten class? That may explain why I'm never asked to volunteer. (Oh my god, I need to get another, bigger tattoo to ensure I don't have to volunteer for my kids' classes ever.) The teachers and other parents obviously know the truth: Having tattoos makes you a bad mom.
Anyway, when you have tattoos, it's obvious that your critical thinking skills and discernment are lacking. After all, you spent money to get someone to deface you. What kind of monster parent are you, spending money on yourself, when it doesn't fit into the narrow confines that society dictates is "attractive?" Selfish, is the kind of parent you are. And that's just the tip of the crappy iceberg that is your tattooed parenting.
Here are 13 other ways that having tattoos automatically makes you a bad parent:
You'll Never Be Allowed On The PTA
I know. I may actually run out to get a few more tattoos, if this is actually the case. You know, just to ensure it.
You Will Not Be Respected By Other Parents
You Clearly Have No Moral Compass
Does your home look like this? If you have tattoos, I bet it does.
You're Setting A Bad Example
If you have tattoos, then you must have piercings, too. And plugs (is that what those things are called?). Your kid probably doesn't even know what a normal human looks like.
You Have A Sordid Past Full Of Mistakes And Crimes
Once You Get A Tattoo, You Immediately Lose The Ability To Compassionately Comfort Your Children
It's true. Because of my tiny little ankle tattoo, I now just laugh at my children when they're upset. I laugh maniacally. It's actually really fun.
Your Decision-Making Skills Are Questionable, At Best
How can anyone be sure that you won't be feeding your baby McDonald's Happy Meals, when it's time to start them on solids?
"Fetal Ink Syndrome"
Oh, hang on. Not a real thing, actually.
You Obviously Can't Hold Down A Job
How are you ever going to afford to provide for your kids, if you can't hold down a job? Who the hell would hire you with those offensive tattoos? You and your family are screwed.
You Spend Your Money On Frivolous Things
Never mind that you can't find or hold down a job. All that money you're not making is being spent elsewhere. On ink. When will you invest in your children? Probably never.
Your Kids Are Going To Want To Get Tattoos Too, Which Will Then Make THEM Bad People
And probably at a really young age. Society is basically going to hell in a hand basket, and all because of you and your damn tattoos.
Having Tattoos Makes You Incapable Of Cooking Nutritious Meals
You might as well just sign your kids up for malnutrition right now.
Having Tattoos Makes You Breathe Actual Fire That Burns Babies