Courtesy of Kimmie Fink

Here’s What Your Baby Is Thinking When You Take Them Home

I just read Nutshell by Ian McEwan, so I'm convinced a baby’s thoughts are much more complex than we give them credit for. OK, maybe not contemplating “the meaning of life” complex, but I think they have a very intricate emotional life. It’s easy for me to imagine the inner monologue of my newborn as she navigated breastfeeding and diaper changes, not to mention the new sensations of temperature, light, and sound. It seems perfectly natural to me that there would be certain things your baby is thinking when you take them home from the hospital, too.

Bringing your baby home from the hospital is a momentous occasion. It’s also freaking terrifying. I remember my distress when I dressed my baby in an outfit that was too big and a hat that was too small. My husband and I fumbled around with the car seat straps and asked the nurse to check it, but she said she wasn’t supposed to (liability reasons, I think). My husband wheeled me down with the baby strapped into the car seat in my lap, and we waited for him to bring the car around. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my infinite love for my baby coupled with fears about my own inadequacy.

Perhaps my newborn baby girl was also dealing with her own existential crisis, but I believe her thoughts were more along these lines:

"Is The Nurse Coming With Us?"

No offense, parental units, but she seems to know way more about this baby business than you.

"Give Me My Bracelet Back"

It’s hospital couture! You better be saving that for my baby book.

"This Hat Sucks"

Really, mom? A pink knitted cap with a butterfly? Methinks that’s a little gender normative.

"I’m Going To Poop On This Outfit"

Yes, this outfit. You know, the white "what were you thinking" sleeper with hot air balloons on it that you hand-picked for this special occasion? Yeah, I’m going to crap in it. Then I’m going to poop on everything you love.

"Are You Kidding Me?"

Let me get this straight, adult-person. I’ve been expelled from the safety of your body into a bright, loud, cold place. I’ve been poked and prodded. I’ve had to teach you how to nurse me. And now we’re leaving? Boss Baby does not approve.

"I Hate This Car Seat"

These straps are so uncomfortable. I shall drool on them.

"You Guys, There's 'Something' In My Belly Button"

I just realized I have a nubbin, and now I has a sad.

"Where The Booby And/Or Bottle At?"

Seriously, the only thing I like about being out of your cozy womb is the fact that there's a nipple thing around, and I want it in my mouth. Like, now. Don't think you can trick me with this pacifier.

"I Am Baby, Hear Me Roar!"

I have lungs. Now seems like the perfect opportunity to take them for a test spin. Can you hear me now?

"This Car Isn’t Cutting It"

Time for a mini-van. Baby has needs. Like a DVD player because, and I don't know how, but I already love Elmo.

"Turn Up The Volume"

Ed Sheeran is my jam.

"Drive Faster!"

I have a need for speed!

Oh no, I just spit up. Too fast! Too fast!

"Yeah I'm Going To Sleep Now"

The vibrating motion of this vehicle is so delightfully soothing I just can’t keep my eyes open.

"Oh, Hello!"

I missed you! Wait, I know this place. This is home.