I know when babies are born, they're still in the process of developing cognitively. I can't help but think, though, that there's more going on upstairs than we give them credit for, in the beginning. For instance, I'm pretty sure there are plenty of things your baby is thinking while breastfeeding that they just can share with you yet.
In fact, I think if babies could speak and write, they'd all be able to start their own blogs about the ridiculous things their moms end up doing around them. Because when they're babies, you just sort of assume they don't really understand what's going on, right? But what if we're wrong? What if they're internally rolling their eyes every time you binge watch The Bachelor because they just can't physically roll their eyes yet? What if we could have one of those magical voice box mechanisms that the dogs in Up had, which translated their thoughts into actual words?
I have to admit, I'd be terrified to find out what my son might have been thinking, all through the thousands of times he breastfed in his first two years. While I'm not a fan of reality TV, I did find myself watching the entire first season of The Witches of East End in the first few weeks of marathon nursing sessions. Don't judge.
So these 14 thoughts are what I imagine babies are really thinking while they breastfeed:
I Suck At Latching!!
Why is this so hard?? Also, see what I did there?
What The Hell Is This Reality Show Crap She's Watching?!
Seriously, if I have to listen to one more Kardashian...
I Wish She'd Stop Playing Candy Crush
Can you say obsession??
Why Is She Staring At Me?
I'm sensing a bit of guilt over playing so much Candy Crush...
Seriously, Do I Have Something On My Face?
She keeps staring at my cheeks...almost like she wants to eat them. It's weird.
They Really Need To Bottle This Stuff And Sell It
Why isn't everyone drinking this all the time?
I Wonder Why My Dad Never Does This?
She seems to have so much, and it tastes so good. I don't get it.
Why Is This Boob So Much Smaller?
Whatever. It's still pumping out the good stuff.
I Swear, If Your Mom Texts You One More Time While I'm Trying To Latch...
I need to concentrate here, Grandma.
Why Can't You Make It Come Out Faster?!
I'm hungry right now. I need more than just these drops that are coming out so slowly.
TOO FAST! TOO FAST!
WHOA. I need to breathe, tho.
Seriously, What Is IN This Shit??
Nectar of the gods, people.
I Think I'm Drunk
Thank God I can't walk yet. I'd totally fail a sobriety test.