I have two cats. They were littermates, they're best friends and love my daughter more than anything on the planet. They're also tiny evil schemers intent on taking over the world one manipulating head scratch at a time. Just this morning, my cat, Kilgore Trout, saw that my other cat, Mrs Jellyby, was cuddled in his favorite spot behind my knees. It didn't end well for her, or my knees. Or my feather duvet that's now sprung a leak. That's why I'm considering what New Year's resolutions to make on my cats' behalf, because they need to shape up. I mean, they will fail miserably, but I'm considering a chart anyway.
I could easily make this a 17 part series about the failings and joys of the common domestic feline. Fun fact: My great uncle was a famous cat breeder and radio actor in New York City, and developed an entirely new breed of cat. He quite literally wrote the book on cats. So you could argue that my fanatical love of the feline is embedded in my DNA.
But that doesn't stop me from getting annoyed AF with my furry family members. Seriously, they are tiny predators. If they could, they would eat you. Since they can't, they knock crap off your counter instead. Death by 1000 cuts style. If they could make their own New Year's resolutions, the list would be short and sweet: 1. dominate the world. 2. lick your butthole. That would be the whole thing.
1. Quit Peeing On The Dog's Bed
I get it. Her bed looks vaguely litter box-shaped. It's fluffy, and she loves it, so you want to destroy it. Well, cut it out. This year, you should limit your peeing to only in the aforementioned box. You don't pee on anything else, so why do you need to pee on her cozy bed? I've replaced it three times and I'm starting to feel guilty.
2. Stop Biting Your Mom's Feet.
I know you're hungry. Biting my feet through the duvet does get my attention. It's not the good kind. I will lock your furry behind out of my room until it's not the middle of the night, for Pete's sake. Plus, more than once I've accidentally kicked you in the head.
That might explain your inability to learn anything at all.
3. Stop Meowing At The Door When The Kids Leave
I get it. Girl child was just giving you some epic ear scritches and combing your tail just how you like it. She was complimenting your terrific toe beans and feeding you bites of salmon treats. You had a good thing going as she tied her shoes and you dutifully tried to untie them. But now she is gone and you are angry. Mewling loudly at the door only annoys the human at home. It does not make her come back sooner.
4. Stop Eating The Palm Tree
It makes you puke. It makes the palm tree ugly. It's a pain in the butt to clean up. It's a lose/lose situation for all involved.
5. Stop Lying On The Clean Laundry
There is nothing more tempting to you than a warm, fresh-smelling basket full of laundry. It is practically begging you to leap in and burrow under the warm blanket it provides. But doing this covers our clothing and bedding in black cat fur and makes us want to shave you.
6. Stop Knocking Stuff Off The Counter
This is just spiteful. You've done it a million times. You know the end result. Something will break, or it won't. It will make a mess, or it won't. You still look like an a-hole every time you do it.
7. Kick The Book Chewing Habit
I just bought that copy of Bleak House to replace the one you ate, Trout. Is it because Mrs Jellyby's name came from it? Is it the size of the book? It doesn't matter, because you are going to stop eating the corner right meow.
8. Stop Picking Fights
It's unnecessary. Pets are friends, not foes. Also, your male human parent is also not a foe. He did not lie down in bed just to spite you, so stop batting at his head when he does.
9. Stop Wasting Water
You hate baths yet you lay in the sink and nudge the water on and let the water fall all over your face. You do this for hours. Please, stop wasting this water and drink from the bowl you insist remains completely full at all the times lest you start singing to me the song of your people.
10. Keep A Safe Distance From People Walking
Are you trying to trip me? I just walked in, I'm taking off my boots, and you bite at my pant leg and polish my shins. I fall at least once per week. If you enjoy your current life, you'll stop trying to end mine prematurely. The male parent would so give you to a cat farm upstate.
11. Quit Murdering Stuffed Animals
Your human sibling just got that Build A Bear. Was it really necessary for you to shred the stitch and disembowel it under the Christmas tree? It was a unicorn, now it's a sad plush sack filled with tears. Thanks, jerkface.
12. Lay Off The Nip
Your sister can handle it. She's like a four-deep a night fratboy with her tolerance. You? Not so much. It really messes with you, man. Last night you held your tail between your paws and screamed at it for an hour. Funny as hell for the humans, but it looked like a bad trip to me. Maybe leave that toy alone.
13. Stop Showing Your Butthole To Everyone
I know that you think it's a majestic feature of your body. You love it. You spend a significant amount of time tossing your own salad. But, not everyone wants it in their face. It's really unpleasant to have a cat stand on your shoulder, butthole inches from your face. No one wants to lick it but you, buddy.
14. Be More Intentional In Your Meditations
You sit with your eyes closed for literally hours on end. You're obviously meditating. However, since I've noticed precisely zero improvements in your behavior and mood, I can only assume you suck at it. Have you tried mantra meditations? It might help.
15. Stop Staring Into Corners
Because you're freaking me out. Is it a ghost? A poltergeist? The spectre of all of my broken dreams? I don't care what you're looking at, because I can't see it, and it's scary.
I would add "Be Awesome" to this list, but despite all your many hangups, you're already the best cats ever. Except that butthole thing. That's really got to stop.
After experiencing a traumatic c-section, this mother sought out a doula to support her through her second child’s delivery. Watch as that doula helps this mom reclaim the birth she felt robbed of with her first child, in Episode Three of Romper's Doula Diaries, Season Two, below. Visit Bustle Digital Group's YouTube page for more episodes, launching Mondays in December.