You've thought it. You've noticed some of the signs — a cold-pressed juice bottle here, a shared GOOP article there — and you've wondered, deep within your heart of hearts... can it be true? You push it down, pulling your infinity scarf more tightly around your neck to ward off the icy chill of the thought. But one day you see an entire Pinterest board titled "Inspirational Quote Art For Nursery" and you can't deny it anymore: your baby is basic. What are some more of the
signs your baby is basic? There are many, and they should not be ignored, my pumpkin spice latte-sipping friend.
I didn't want to believe it at first, either. I mean, who would?! Who brings a life into this world and willingly accepts the fact that they're just... ugh. But eventually the evidence mounts and you can't live in denial any longer. That's when you adjust your Lululemon pants, pull up your
black and brown riding boots, and you learn to live with this affliction. There's no curing basic-ness, but the symptoms can be managed. Since learning my baby is basic, I've consulted doctors, nutritionists, and countless lifestyle magazines to research different kinds of "basic cleanses" to try to help my baby get through this devistating affliction as best they can. No parent should have to suffer with a basic baby. That's, like, the laws of feminism (ha! I thought I'd break up the tension with a quote from Mean Girls because OMG that movie is so fetch!) Early intervention is key, so I thought I could share with you some things you need to look out for: They Chew On Your Discarded PSL Cups
Every time my baby finds one of my
old PSL cups, they go to town on it. They grab onto it with their basic little baby hands and start gnawing until I take it away and they cry. They love pumpkin spice lattes so much. I guess it's genetic: sorry not sorry! I'm practically addicted to all things pumpkin spice. It tastes great and it just reminds you that it's fall, you know? Autumn totes gives me life. (And yes, I know PSLs have a lot of sugar and calories but sometimes you've gotta go on a juice cleanse and sometimes it's like #YOLO, you know?)
It's like, OMG, baby. Could you
be any more of a basic stereotype? (Haha: I also love talking like Chandler from Friends. That show is, like, everything. I have every season on DVD. It's even better than Mean Girls, which I also have on DVD.) It's sort of embarrassing as their mother, TBH. They Always Want Your Fro-Yo
So annoying, you guys. Tell me if this has happened to you:
You go to your favorite frozen yogurt place for lunch... or dinner... or dessert... or because you're one hole-punch away from a free eight ounce serving... or because you feel like it and you're a free b*tch...
Anyway, you go get you original flavor yogurt and top it with the perfect combination of berries, kiwi, and banana (perfect in that it looks great on Instagram — for taste, candy tastes better, but you haven't found a
great filter for peanut butter cups yet) and then your baby wants to eat all of it on you! And you're like, "Are you serious? Froyo? Really baby? Basic." There's A Million Pictures Of Them On Their Phone Photo courtesy of Jillian Haley
So typical Basic Baby, right? I mean, they are
obsessed with themselves, so the camera roll of their phone is loaded with pictures of themselves.
Of course, their phone is your phone and you take the pictures, but the point remains:
Basic Babies are narcissists. They Abbreviate Everything They Say
OMG, babies, we know you're presh and gorge, but would you please just, IDK, say what you mean?
You should hear my baby. It's not "mommy" but "mama." Daddy? "Dada." Water? "Wawa."
I am SMH RN, baby. You've got to talk like a person. LMK when you get a handle on that, K? Thx.
They Watch Every Single 'The Real Housewives' Franchises
Like, I'll be folding the laundry watching some
RHOBH (or RHONY or RHOATL or RHONJ... like, literally any of them because these women are such shitshows and don't even know it, LOL!) and my baby will be playing on the floor in the living room and just start staring at the TV and I'm all, "Yo! Basic Baby! Do you have any idea how basic you are being right now? This show is trash. It's not even, like real. It's all scripted!" They Own A Pair Of Uggs
When I bought them those Uggs (there was a sale and I already had several pairs for myself so what was one more) I never thought they'd actually
wear them. Like, did we go into a time machine and travel back to 2010 and I didn't notice? Come on, baby. Have a little self respect. Those shoes are so basic. Target Is Their Happy Place
I assume it's their happy place. They always seem really content whenever I bring them there, which is, like, at least three times a week. It's kind of a cycle. I go for toilet paper, I come out with $125.00 worth of stuff minus the toilet paper. I go back a few days later, I get the toilet paper, but now I've discovered some fetch interior decorations in a new display. (They have birds on them! And arrows!) Then Janet (she's a manager there because, duh, I know them all) is like, "Oh! I see you've noticed our new collection! There's a really cute chevron throw that's coming in tomorrow that goes with that bird and arrow wall art."
So then, of course, I have to go back the next day because I
have to have the chevron throw and by then I need diapers, but of course I forget them because I'm so excited about my new living room decor and the whole thing sort of starts all over again.
Anyway, my baby seems really into it. So basic.
They Love Taylor Swift
I try to explain to them how Taylor is
White Feminism personified. (I totally know what that means, you guys. It's definitely not a word I once read somewhere and was too embarrassed to look into. But let's not talk about it literally any further.) But in spite of this, my baby looks at me and I can tell they're thinking: "The players gonna play, play, play, play, play/And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate/Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake/I shake it off, I shake it off."
At which point, of course, I start dancing because that's my
jam. Beyoncé Is Their God
(Is it basic? Yes, but it's also just common sense, so I'll let this one slide.)
They Have Attended Coachella
My baby has actually attended
twice! Ahh! So basic! Once when I was pregnant (so I guess the signs that they were going to be basic started pretty early) and then once when they were a newborn. I wore them in a carrier and had those really adorable noise-cancelling headphones on them to protect their little baby ears. (It was sort of a shame they couldn't hear because Kendrick Lamar was amazing, though I guess it just goes to show that they weren't even there for the music. They're so basic.)
Honestly, I know I crushed my look otherwise (I planned it for about five months), but my baby was probably my hottest accessory that year. And, yes, I go every year.
They Want An Infinity Loop Tattoo
Either on their finger or maybe on the top of their foot.
They're probably going to get it on their wrist,
just to copy me.
They Love Kale
(Bonus points if your baby's name is, in fact, Kale.)
When It Comes To 'Sex And The City' Characters, They're A Brady
I mean, like, it makes sense: my baby also crashes my brunches where I
talk to by besties about guys. I never seem to know what to do. Ugh, I'm such a Carrie sometimes.
And I couldn't help but wonder: is my baby even learning, over the course of these mimosa brunches, that friendship is the truest love of all?
They Only Ever Wear Leggings
SO basic. They're also really into bodysuits, but they call them "onesies." You're fooling no one, Basic Baby!
They're Always On Instagram...
It's a never-ending barrage of picture after picture after picture! I don't even know where I find the time to put them all up!
... And Their Pictures Are Accompanied By A Million Hashtags
#myheart #blessed #mybabyiscuterthanyourbaby #squishy #family #baby #momlife #momstyle #candidmotherhood #fitmom #mommy #momma #mama #nofilter
Ugh. More like #BasicBaby, because this baby is
so basic. Here's hoping you can avoid my fate. Watch Romper's new video series, Romper's Doula Diaries : Check out the entire Romper's Doula Diaries series and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV.