I’ve got a thing or two to say about backwards-baseball-cap-and-flannel-shirt-wearing town grump, Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls. Those of you who have seen the series from start to end, who have followed Lorelai through her many turbulent relationships, know Luke as this rough-around-the-edges Mr. Wonderful. After all, he has been there for Lorelai time and time again, like when her dad had a heart attack, and when her inn caught on fire, when her daughter quit Yale (holy first-world problems, Batman; not getting into that today), and when her father had yet another heart attack. I mean, hell, the guy single-handedly built her both an ice skating rink and a wedding chuppa (and not even for the time he was going to marry her). Luke Danes' romantic grand gestures for Lorelai have been endless.
But just because he’s done all of these undoubtedly wonderful things doesn’t mean he isn’t without some faults of his own. Sure, it’s hard not to give him a free pass on just about anything after he bought her this gigantic-ass dream house, or after finding out about that little horoscope he held on to in his wallet for so many years. The dude is, deep down, a huge softy. Still, the “burger boy” has pissed me off in a number of ways and I’m not afraid to shout it out to the Internet. So here we go.
He Acts Like A Jealous Boyfriend When He Lacks The Title
Early on in the show, Luke has this tendency to get a little extra butt-hurt whenever Lorelai mentions another guy, whether it be Christopher or Max. He even has something of a penis-measuring contest in one scene when he and Max both find themselves at Lorelai’s. I know it was just a bit of jealousy, but it was also pretty obnoxious. He’d never even had the brovaries to ask her out on a simple date. Like, pull it together and make a move, or cool it while homegirl lives her life.
He’s Got It Out For Dean From The Start
When Rory and Dean break up the first time, Luke rushes out into the street to wrestle Dean away from the diner so Rory won’t see him. Except he hasn’t heard the full story (which is that Rory wasn’t ready to say "I love you" and they broke up; aka, Dean wasn't a monster at all, really). I get that some might find this endearing but personally I thought it was kind of obnoxious and reeked a bit of a dude overstepping his non-parental rights.
He Couldn’t Get His Sh*t Straight With Rachel
Alright, so his ex comes to town and wants to try to make things work. He could’ve totally said, “Hey listen, I’m into someone else, so BYE.” Instead, he pretends like he’s going to try to make things work, and then she realizes he’s totally in love with Lorelai, and he barely has the decency to admit it. Own up to your feelings, man.
He’s Not A Fan Of Kids
At least, not at first.
He Gets Pissy Whenever Lorelai Gives Him Parenting Advice
If it had been unwarranted advice, then OK. But he’s basically asking her if this whole Jess situation is a good idea and when she gives it to him straight that Jess is a jerk, he lashes out at her. Fine, jeez, you asked.
Breastfeeding Women Freak Him Out
This whole scene with him wanting to go ask this woman to stop publicly breastfeeding is just pathetic. Grow up, Luke. It’s normal.
He Basically Forces Jess On Rory Even Though Lorelai Clearly Doesn’t Approve
Totally obnoxious and way out of line. As though Rory were some miracle worker. If I don’t want your nephew hanging with my kid, respect that, dude.
He’s Constantly Food- And Coffee-Shaming Lorelai
I don’t think he’s ever capable of serving this woman food or coffee without making some hypercritical statement about it. Chill out, she never asked for your opinion. Also, she's a really good customer.
He Has No Real Appreciation For Fine Cinema
What kind of man gets to be his age without watching Casablanca? And then talks during the damn movie? Oy, with the poodles, already!
He Marries Nicole Out Of The Blue When He’s Still In Love With Lorelai
I know we all judge Lorelai harshly for marrying Christopher the way she did, but at least they had a kid together. He goes on one cruise and decides to propose? Way too flighty for me.
He Needs To Have A “Dark Day” But Is A Jerk About Telling You About WHY He Needs It
It’s like pulling teeth to get Luke to communicate, especially when it’s important. Completely obnoxious if you ask me.
And He’s A D*ck To Lorelai When She Buys Back His Dad’s Boat (Which He Ends Up Wanting Anyway)
Alright, so I understand that maybe she crossed a line she shouldn’t have, but he’s basically like, "Pssh, screw you, Lorelai. Why would you try and save something that obviously means a lot to me?! Jeez, you’re such a jerk. Oh, wait."
He Dumps Lorelai For Basically No Reason
Sure, Emily was plotting against him and trying to get Christopher back in the picture, but why the hell the need to take it out on Lorelai? Insecure much?
He Hates New York
Seriously, what kind of person hates New York City? Luke and I are on thin ice by this episode, I mean, really...
He Finds Out He Has A Daughter And Waits MONTHS To Tell His Fiancée
Sorry, but this is the biggest jerk move of all. How the hell did he keep this a secret for so long? And why? Lorelai has a kid! It’s not like she wouldn’t be understanding!
And Then He Basically Refuses To Let Lorelai Be Involved In That Relationship
That’s like if Lorelai told Luke he shouldn’t talk to Rory again. What the hell? And all because he was jealous that April would end up liking her more? I know the writers had changed by this point, but damn.
...And THEN To Top It All Off, He Postponed Their Wedding
At this point, I don’t blame Lorelai at all for what she wound up doing as a result of feeling like her relationship was in shambles because Luke couldn’t get it together. I might've bailed too.
So yeah, Luke Danes? Not such a perfect guy after all. That said, unless Max makes a surprise comeback (because seriously, this guy was so great, really had his life together, and treated Lorelai wonderfully and was even kind to her after she ran out on their wedding like a day or two before), Luke is still the man for her. We’ll have to see what happens once the new episodes of Gilmore Girls air. (Here’s hoping there’s a continuation on that pregnant Lorelai dream!)