When I was pregnant, I figured using a breast pump was something I would do on occasion after my baby was born. I just assumed my breasts would produce bountiful, thoroughly overachieving quantities of milk for my baby, and that since I would be (naturally) excelling both at parenthood and my career, I might find it necessary and convenient to quickly hook myself up to the pump, effortlessly squeeze off more-than-enough ounces to keep my kid fat and thriving. I didn't stop to consider the lowkey irritating things your partner will do when you're pumping, or really any other annoying aspect of hooking your body parts up to a goddamn machine. I was really optimistic during my pregnancy, and my thoughts about my relationship with my breast pump were as rosy as my thoughts about everything else my post-pregnancy life would be like.
I'm sure I don't need to tell you that the reality of, well, all of it was so laughably removed from my expectations. When the baby was earthside and it was go time, my boobs were not even remotely bountiful and I was glued to my pump every few hours in a very uncomfortable attempt to keep my massive baby fed. And that was fine. It was hard work, but it was work I was willing to do. What was slightly less tolerable were all the weirdly annoying things my partner would do while I was pumping.
In his defense, he probably had no idea that any of these innocuous things were bugging the hell out of me — but they were. So to help further education the non-pumping masses, here are a few things that the pumping mom in your life would almost certainly rather you not do: