Creating a birth plan is a true rite of passage, whether you're a first-time mom or you're about to welcome your fifth. When I started drafting my "perfect scenario" plan — complete with all the intricate, impossible details — I was inundated with various and relentless outside opinions and unsolicited advice. Regardless, I knew it was my baby, my birth, and my plan. So then, and always, there are things people don't get to ask me about my birth plan; unless "people" means you're my partner, doctor, or Steven Tyler (because Steven Tyler is a magical unicorn of a human being, OK?).
When I was pregnant with my first child, I had all the dreams and visions of a "successful" labor and delivery. I didn't know what a birth actually consists of, other than what I'd heard from friends and family or what is shamelessly portrayed on television which, obviously, isn't totally realistic. I guess you can say I was "naively optimistic," but that's the beauty of going through something as taxing as labor and delivery for the very first time: everything sounds lovely until you're actually going through it, which is why you agreed to go through it in the first place.
Having a birth plan makes becoming a new mom feel a little easier. So, the last thing a mom-to-be needs is someone asking endless and intrusive questions while she's trying to devise a blueprint that will, hopefully, make her labor and delivery go down as smooth as possible. So, honestly, save these questions for another day, kids: