When it comes to sex, we all want the best. We want the kind of encounters that can make the skin ache for more and the mind reel with instant replays. We want heat, sweat, passion, and well, um, orgasms. Let's not beat around the bush (although sometimes that helps). Mostly, we want the best of everything when it comes to sex, and I'm here to finally make sure everyone knows that the best sex happens with people who are Slytherins. I know, a myriad of objections exist to this fact of life, but sorry, guys, I don’t make the rules. All I know, based on entirely unsubstantiated data and an exceptionally high opinion of my own sexual prowess, is that Slytherins are better in bed.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m certain there are a number of Hufflepuffs with the ability to break a bed. There may even be a few Ravenclaws who leave a body marked and pleasantly broken after an intense romp. And most assuredly, there are some Gryffindors who can leave you desperate and ruined for the rest of your goddamn life (yo, have you seen Neville Longbottom these days?). However, as a whole and with my name as collateral, Slytherins are better in bed. To make it a tad more legit, I even have reasons:
Nothing Is Off Limits
You know how all those other houses refuse to use certain curses? And how Slytherins rarely pay attention to those limitations? Let’s use that as a metaphor for what kind of restrictions Slytherins put on things in bed. Take a minute and come up with something a Slytherin won't at least try, or won't pull out when the situation calls for it. Keep trying, I’ll wait. Nothing? You’re right. Nothing. We don’t put restrictions on our magic and you can take that exactly as intended. (Oh, the gif? I just really needed to make sure everyone has seen what Neville Longbottom looks like these days.)
We Know That Practice Makes Perfect
Look, I’m not saying you have to be a pureblood wizard to be good in bed, but there’s something powerful to knowing you’re made of magic from day one. I mean, if you’re team Slytherin, you’ve probably always known you were destined for greatness since you were born, and confidence is sexy. It’s very, very sexy.
Sex Should Be Exciting
Hey, I'm not saying that Slytherins always play nice, but at least we're never boring. What's more exciting than the possibility that you might die? People jump out of planes and scale buildings and take selfies in incredibly stupid places simply because it’s exciting to be that close to real danger. Well, when you drop your drawers with a Slytherin, there’s a solid chance they might end you afterward. In the wizarding world, this might mean literal death; Luckily, for those of us who are merely Slytherin-identified Muggles, we'll probably only destroy your feelings. Still, it's pretty thrilling to play fast and loose with your well-being around us.
We Have Snape
Does that really need an explanation? SEX.
We’re Really Good On Brooms
I know, I know. Harry Potter is supposed to be something super fantastic as a seeker, but have you ever watched us Slytherins play quidditch? Potter might be great, but the sleek maneuvers of the Slytherins make any other team look like toddlers drunk on milk. And if you can handle a broom... I'm just sayin'.
We Are Incredibly Clever
Just because we don’t use our minds for good deeds doesn’t mean we aren’t brilliant in our own exceedingly dark ways. The mind that can craft a plan of murderous villainy can certainly find a way to, um, delve into the deepest realms of the body.
Again, Seriously, No Limits
In a world composed of rules and regulations, Team Slytherin redefines bad in a way that looks incredibly good. We are happy to step outside the lines of normalcy. We are elated by a little bit of danger. We definitely aren’t afraid of a few dark marks, let's just say that. And when it comes to committing to a goal, we are in it until the end. Plus, we are actually quite loving and emotional beneath our layers of lethal threats and indiscriminate hatred of all things kind and good. No, really! I mean, yeah, we have the Malfoys and they’re basically rubbish as far as kindness goes, but we also have Snape and he did the whole feelings thing! I reiterate, we have Snape. So, if you like your sexual fantasies with a side of danger and unrequited love, you better believe you’re best served by going Slytherin.