Courtesy of Kimmie Fink

7 Times My Toddler Was Convinced Gravity Isn't A Thing

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Toddlers have a lot to learn about the world. Everything, actually. They're not newborns who still haven't realized their hands belong to them, but they're learning the furry thing that goes "woof woof" is called a dog and that mom sometimes goes away but always comes back. Another important lesson in the toddler canon? What goes up must come down. At this point, I'm getting ready to set my daughter under an apple tree à la Isaac Newton, because my toddler is convinced that gravity isn't a thing.

In general, my kid is pretty cautious. When she was younger, she would get on her tummy and scoot off the patio to get to the grass (note: they're level with each other). She takes the stairs on her bum and holds onto railings or my hand. Then she learned to climb. Not only climb, but climb with no sense of self-preservation or reasonable fear of heights, my friends. Life as I knew it would never be the same.

I'm lucky. So far, my little doubting Thomas has been free of injury requiring more attention than a kiss to make it better. Falls among toddlers are fairly common, but fortunately kids are pretty resilient. Still, I'll work on being more vigilant until my darling child discovers that Bill Nye the Science Guy knows what he's talking about.

When She Rolled Off The Changing Table

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Y'all, I know I'm not supposed to leave my child unattended on the changing table, but I kind of thought that was just for babies. It's no excuse, but I ran out of wipes, so I left her strict instructions to stay put (what, toddlers aren't voice-activated?), and reached into the closet for more. The next thing I knew she was halfway off the table and on her way to the floor.

When She Dropped Her Cookie

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I seriously don't understand how my kid doesn't get that when she releases an item from her grip, it will fall. Furthermore, if said item is vaguely food related, it will be consumed by the dog (yet another natural phenomenon she has yet to grasp). When she dropped her delicious treat, I tried to give her a natural consequence by not providing a new one. Her shrieks made me instantly regret it, but I stuck to my cookie-depriving guns.

When She Fell Off A Picnic Table

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So we were at a charming "hot chocolate in the park" play date and I was trying to cool my kid's cocoa down so she could drink it (because she loses her sh*t if stuff is too hot). She refused to sit down and, of course and because mom's hands were otherwise occupied, fell down in the space between the bench and the table. As for me, well, I managed to whack her head on the table as I scooped her up to comfort her. Apparently, we're working on Murphy's Law as well.

When She Stood On The Arm Of The Couch

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I rue the day my daughter discovered she could stand up on the arm of our loveseat. Her new favorite game is to climb up, balance precariously, revel in her own glory, shove my arm away as I try to keep her from falling backward, and then kamikaze herself onto her waiting mother below. So fun, you guys.

When She Had A Death Wish At The Park

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I'm convinced this is actual footage of my child. I didn't always worry about her so much. I mean, this is the kid who sits at the top of the slide, gets ready to push off, then says "no" and walks away. However, now she really likes to get up to the top and find an opening to dangle her foot over and give her mom a heart attack. She looks at my slyly because she truly thinks nothing bad can happen to her. Yet another reason toddlerhood can be considered the first adolescence.

When She Pushed Over A Stool

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When my kid was first learning to walk, she did a lot of cruising. One day, she figured out she could push one of our barstools around the house. I decided to video it because that's what I do. So I'm watching from behind my iPhone as she tries to transfer from tile to carpet and the stool seems to rock back and forth in slow motion until it eventually topples onto my sweet little girl. Oops.

When She Did A Much-Too-Trusting Trust Fall

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My daughter loves to stand on our ottoman and fall into my lap. So, naturally, when we were on vacation, she decided to play this game with her dad in the hotel. He would sit on the bed and she would stand on the chair and he'd run up to catch her.

Well, at one point, she could clearly see that my husband was on the other side of the room. She stood tall on chair, made eye contact with him, and began to pitch forward, until her face hit the carpet. The best part was her utter surprise and indignation. Sorry, baby, but even rulers of the universe have to answer to gravity.