You don't want to mess with a new mom, especially once she's established a routine. If she has a feeding schedule, don't interrupt it. If she's struggling to adjust to postpartum life, offer to help without intruding. And no matter what happens, don't you ever — ever — wake her sleeping infant. Doing so is like declaring war and she won't be too exhausted to meet you in the trenches. There are some vicious things every new mom wants to say when some dope wakes her baby, and I'm not sure there's a single human being on the planet could handle it all.
I remember my early days as a new mom, desperate to help my daughter sleep for any length of time and by any means necessary. Rock her for hours on end if it means 20 minutes of silent bliss? You got it. Walk around my living room in a circle, dong that "mom bop" that lulls babies to sleep, for maybe an hour nap? Absolutely. Sometimes, through the desperation and fatigue, I said some wacky things to anyone who dared disrupt my process. And honestly, not much has changed since. I will do anything to get my kids to sleep. Their sleep means I get to sleep, and that's imperative for the wellbeing of my entire family as a whole. Mama needs her rest, people.
The times an unexpected knock at the door surprised my infant, or a hyper cat knocked something over something breakable, were awful. Not only did it interrupt my baby's sleep, but made me feel like everything I did to get her to rest was worthless. I'd have to start all over again and when you're as tired I was, that feels impossible. Here are some thoughts I, and every new mom, have when someone wakes the baby. So, you know, don't.
"You're Dead To Me"
The moment I hear my baby startle awake and sob, is the moment you no longer exist in my world. Do you know how long it takes to get some babies to sleep? There were nights mine just, well, didn't. I'm so damn sleep-deprived as the result of all my hard work that you just negated, so you're dead to me.
"Get Out Of My Sight"
When someone had the audacity to ring my doorbell and, as a result, woke up my baby, I was so angry and filled with so much rage it didn't matter who was on the other side of my front door. It could have been some dude with a bunch of balloons and a big giant check telling me I've won the lottery, and I would have kicked him in his shins. Do not, I repeat do not, ring a doorbell. Ever. And if you do? Well, GTFO.
"You're The Worst Person I've Ever Met"
If my partner accidentally woke my baby with his loud laugh, he was the worst human being in my life. If my brother insisted he hold his niece and wake her as a result, he was the worst. I didn't discriminate when I handed out the "World's Worst Person" award. I was tired and my baby was tired and damn it do not wake her.
"Thanks For Nothing"
There's a lot of words new moms could use to "thank" you for waking a sleeping baby, but I'll refrain from repeating them here. I've used them all and I'm not ashamed. Please don't wake my baby or [insert string of expletives].
"Why Do You Hate Me So Much?"
If you're waking a new mom's little nugget, you're obviously in the planning stages of an overthrow, yes? Waking my baby was like declaring war on my entire life. If you hate me so much, go away and leave us to our sleep training.
"You Better Run For Your Life"
Again with the rage. Waking the baby is a death sentence so, if you dare, be prepared to run like you've never run before in your entire life.
I don't think I've ever been more angry than when someone woke my baby over something dumb, and you best believe that rage filled me with some superhuman strength. I can run like the wind now, people. So you better leave and get yourself a head start.
"I Hope You've Cleared Your Damn Schedule"
Bottom line? If you wake my precious, requires-so-much-effort-to-establish-a-simple-nap-schedule, sleeping baby, I'm not the one spending the time to get her back to sleep.
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