I'm all about being informed, especially when pregnant. Weird stuff is happening to your body, and you want to be reassured that everything is OK. Enter handy-dandy pregnancy bulletins. To be sure, these house some very useful information. However, they're also full of lies. Lies, I say! OK, maybe that's a little strong. Let's go with half-truths and generalizations. I know they're well-intentioned, but I'm kind of pissed about these lies doctor's office pamphlets told me about pregnancy.
During my pregnancy, I saw a team of certified nurse midwives, and they were totally awesome. Part of the routine care, however, was to provide an issue of BirthDay News each trimester. Granted, I learned a lot. They clarified dos and don'ts, the reasoning behind each test, how do manage discomfort, and what to expect in the coming months, including labor and delivery. Then again, they also said some stuff that I can only classify as a steaming pile of hot garbage.
I have nothing but respect for providers who serve pregnant women. They have a lot to deal with, namely, hormonal pregnant ladies. I'm just saying their brochures could be a little more, shall we say, realistic.
It's Never Too Early To Start Thinking About Feeding Your Baby
Yes it is. Like when your baby is the size of a raspberry, I'm going to go ahead and say it's too early. Maybe some expectant mothers are ready to learn latching techniques and breastfeeding positions and which formula is best, but in the first trimester I was using all my energy just to stay upright. Plenty of time for that later, folks.
You Can Still Have Sex
According to my brochure, unless my health care provider says otherwise, I can continue to have sex. Yeah, can is one thing. No one told me that I might not want to. Like ever. For nine months. I mean, it's hard to feel sexy when you just threw up your gyro.
You'll Gain A Pound A Week
Hahahahahahaha! That's a joke, right? According to the experts, you start gaining weight faster in the second trimester (one or two pounds a week). Granted, I had a low BMI, but this didn't happen for me at all. I gained almost nothing during the first two trimesters of my pregnancy, then packed it on third trimester, to the tune of 40 pounds. Ahem.
You May Leak Urine When You Laugh, Sneeze, Or Cough
This isn't a lie in the sense that it's not true (wow, maybe I should be a politician). Rather, I would argue it's not comprehensive enough. Yes, I piddled whenever any one of these things happened. However, I also peed when I got close to a toilet or even thought about it. #TheMoreYouKnow
Your Body Will Need 300 Extra Calories A Day
Really? Only 300? My mom always said, "You're eating for two but the other person is the size of walnut. Have a yogurt." Clearly, my fetus was exceptional and required extra caloric intake in the form of vanilla ice cream for the effective development of her advanced brain. That's what I tell myself, anyway.
Anything To Do With Remedies For Nausea & Vomiting
Feeling queasy, preggo? Try vitamin B-6. Not working? Give seasickness bands a go. Nope? Just eat frequent small meals throughout the day.
If you're anything like me, you'll try any and all of the suggestions on the handouts only to discover that nothing works. Sorry, buttercup, but sometimes no amount of ginger ale will give you the relief you so desperately crave.
Most Physical Discomforts Are Minor
Oh, minor, are they? Interesting. No one who's ever had a migraine would deign to call it minor. And how about heartburn that makes you feel like you swallowed a comet? Or back pain from carrying a bowling ball in your belly? Medically, the issues might not be serious, but they can feel pretty damn major to the person experiencing them.
Share Your Feelings With Your Partner
"As you approach the end of your pregnancy, you may tire easily or be more irritable." Boy, is that an understatement. I'm not saying you should bottle your feelings, but maybe spread it out among your family members and girlfriends so your partner isn't always on the receiving end of your wrath. Trust me, it will help with the sympathy on the big day.