I had a wonderful relationship with the OB-GYN that helped me bring my son into the world, and I truly felt like no topic or question was "off limits." I would bring a list of things I wanted to ask or discuss during our visits and we would talk and talk and talk until I felt comfortable and knowledgable and heard. However, there's no denying there are some inappropriate questions every mom wishes she could ask her OB-GYN; questions that maybe, possibly or totally bend the rules of social etiquette we all learn and stick to on a regular basis.
Usually, my questions were about my doctor's personal life that I had no business asking and would've definitely blended (or just erased) the line between a doctor and her patient. I guess I felt like if this woman was going to be staring at my vagina for an untold number of hours while I was in labor, I should know a thing or two about her, too. You know, just even the playing field a little bit. My doctor seemed to know everything about me (my medical history, my sexual history, my fears and my anxieties and even my hopes and dreams for the future) so I wanted to know the same about her. Still, I knew that asking her about extremely personal information probably wasn't he way to go. Sigh.
I'd like to think I'm not alone in my not-so-subtle urge to ask my doctor questions that have no business being asked. So, because a sense of solidarity is a thing that always makes me happy, here are a few inappropriate questions I think every mom wants to ask her OB-GYN, but doesn't because manners and stuff and things:
"What's The Worst Thing A Woman Has Said During Labor?"
Really, I just wanted to get a feel for the room so I could calculate how uncomfortable I was going to make everyone when I said something ridiculous or put my crude sense of humor to good use or started cussing.
Yeah, no one was phased, in the slightest, when any and all of those things happened.
"Who's Your Favorite Nurse And How Can I Make Sure She's Assigned To Me?"
I really, really wanted to know who my OB-GYN liked and who she didn't like. I'm sure if I actually asked this question I would have received a kind, blanket statement like, "Everyone who works here is wonderful," or "I value my colleagues," but I've seen enough drama televisions shows set in hospitals to know that every doctor has their favorite and some nurses are just better than others.
So I want to make sure my OB-GYN would be working with her favorite because her favorite is probably the best nurse on staff and I want the best, OK? OK. #SorryNotSorry
"Alright, Be Honest. Does My Vagina Look Normal?"
Vaginas come in all shapes and sizes so this is truly a ridiculous question. However, since porn is a thing and it's in no way a representation of reality (especially when it comes to women's bodies) so many women want to know if their vagina looks "normal."
I was one of those women, even though I knew better. What can I say? I'm human and I wanted some of that sweet, sweet validation.
"OK, So My Vagina Is Normal. Now, Is My Vagina The Prettiest You've Ever Seen?"
I don't want to say I have vaginal hubris but, whatever. I have vaginal hubris. Guilty as charged.
"I'm Your Favorite Patient, Right?"
I know it's childish but I really wanted (and worked to be) my OB-GYN's favorite patient. Honestly, maybe it's because I was one of those annoying students in high school who actually liked her teachers (most of them) and wanted her teachers to like her, too (most of them). I don't know and I'm sure a therapist would have a field day figuring this one out.
However, I wanted my OB-GYN to look forward to seeing me every few weeks and I still think about her from time to time and hope that she thinks of me, too.
"If I Tear, Can You Stitch Me Up To Be, You Know, Tighter?"
I mean, you're down there anyway so a few extra stitches wouldn't hurt, right? Not sure if that's a possibility but after everything my body has been through over the last nine or more months, I think it's only fair.
(Of course, it's worth noting that vaginas are incredible body parts that are made to stretch and expand and then contract so, honestly, your vagina isn't going to be "ruined" by childbirth and it won't need any extra stitches. It'll be just fine, and so will you.)
"Are You Sure You Know What You're Talking About?"
Not trying to be rude but I do know how to use Google and, well, those search results aren't really in line with what you're telling me, doc.
(P.S. this is a great way to ensure that you won't, in fact, be your doctor's favorite.)
"So, Which Doctors And Nurses Are Sleeping With One Another?"
Spill the beans, doctor. I've seen Grey's Anatomy, so I know what's going on in this hospital and in supply closets and empty operation rooms. We're all adults here, so I can handle it and I promise I won't bring it up when the nurse comes in to check my vitals or the anesthesiologist comes in to give me that blessed epidural. All the hospital secrets are safe with me. Swear.
"So, What's The Most Embarrassing Thing That's Ever Happened To You?"
I feel like this question is only fair, just because that doctor was going to be staring at my vagina for hours on end while I push a human being out of it. Like, we've reached a pretty personal level so it's time that I hear some dirt that will help me at least feel like this relationship is somewhat mutual.