Pregnancy is, well, weird. One minute you're riding an incredible high, and the next you're drowning your tears in a giant (clichéd) bowl of ice cream. Then there's childbirth. Guys, if pregnancy is an epic tail of constant change, incredible physical ability, and patience, labor is a whole other story entire unto itself. As a result, there are some passive aggressive things you'll say to your doctor during labor, because holy hell you've been through 40 weeks (more or less) of challenges already. Enough is enough.
I wasn't exactly an ideal pregnant person, or a particular joy to be around. I was incredibly uncomfortable, but I couldn't bring myself to help other people for help, either. So, yeah, I was a pain in the ass when I was growing another human being inside my body. But you guys, I was growing another human being inside my body. And while I've always been passive aggressive, I honestly didn't realize how much of a problem it was until pregnancy, labor, and delivery kicked into high gear. Those excrutiating moments when I was bringing another human being into the world was the culmination of an entire pregnancy's worth of failing to say what I really mean. But I was also in pain, and not everyone around me was as supportive as they could be, so, well, childbirth was tough no matter how I sliced it.
If there's any time to say what you feel, it's probably when you're giving birth. That's easier said than done, though, so if you find yourself saying the following things to your doctor, know that you're not alone.
Sure, it's no problem that I haven't been checked on in the last couple hours and things are progressing rather quickly. I thought I felt a twinge telling me to push, but I could be wrong. You're the expert here. Go ahead finish your lunch or conversation or whatever. I'm sure the baby will wait.
"Oh, So We're Not Pushing Now Then?"
Even though you didn't have the time to advocate for me, or my delivery plan, you've decided it's go time now? Awesome. Hey, it's apparently your world, doctor. I'm just living (and giving birth) in it.
"I Didn't Want An Epidural Anyway"
I don't mind. Really. It doesn't hurt that much. I wanted to go the so-called "natural" route anyway, I guess.
"Sure, Go Deliver That Other Baby First"
Both my pregnancies didn't progress as they should've, and both pregnancies nearly ended with a C-section when my babies decided they wanted out all of the sudden. However, those final moments before pushing — when the doctor is nowhere to be found while I was surrounded by nurses — I couldn't help but feel slighted.
Sure, there's other deliveries going on, but, uh, I'm kind of ready now. So, can you be my doctor and help me deliver my baby? You know, if you're not too busy?
It doesn't matter that it's too hot in the room, I need to go to the bathroom, I don't want so many people around me, I'm hungry, or I'm ready to get the labor part over with. I'll always say "I'm fine." I guess that's just part of being passive aggressive, right?
"I Guess I Don't Need To Change Positions"
I like laying only on my left side for the sake of hearing the baby's heartbeat. I'm not numb at all. And when you tell me I can't move, even a little, when I'm pushing? Oh, sure. I don't mind that either.
"We Don't Have To Do This Now"
It's ridiculous, to be sure, but there were more than a few moments during labor when I thought to myself, "I really don't want to inconvenience anyone, but I think I need to push, maybe?" Everyone seemed to have a set schedule that apparently my baby wasn't aware of. Shouldn't it have been the other way around?
"The Blankets Are Fine"
During labor and delivery everyone wants to cover you in blankets. My room was already warm, but layers and layers of blankets were laid at my feet. I wasn't cold, I was hot in a sweaty, and in a very obvious way. But really, the blankets are fine, thanks.
"I Don't Mind Melted Ice Chips"
I hate to bother nurses when they're, you know, working. I know I'm not the only woman in the labor and delivery wing of the hospital. So even when my doctor asked if I needed more ice chips, it didn't matter how dehydrated and thirty I felt, my friends. I couldn't bring myself to say yes. No worries. Labor will be over soon enough.
Narrator: Labor wasn't, in fact, over soon enough.
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