Romper

9 Terrible Things About Weaning That Are Actually Funny When You Look Back

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I put off the process of weaning for a long time, for a number of complicated reasons involving feelings and emotions and responsibilities and habits. However, I think it’s finally happening for real now (my son recently turned two) but ask me again in a couple weeks and I’ll let you know for sure. Despite all my uncertainty and unanswered questions, even I can see that there are some parts of weaning that sound bad, but are funny if you really think about it and give yourself enough time and distance between experiencing those parts, and looking back on those parts.

I mean, it's not like I'm actually laughing out loud at these particular moments, but more like I'm casually typing LOL when I'm sending texts about breastfeeding and feeling slightly bemused if not, at the very least, entertained. Try as I might, and if I'm being completely honest, I’m still not ready to laugh at blocked milk ducts, especially when I'm acutely aware that they could still be in my future. Even if they’re not, it’s still too soon. Extra milk, however, sounds freakin' hilarious and something I can totally laugh at, even now.

Seriously though, let’s stroll through the complicated reality of a weaning mom’s day, shall we? Let’s consider the laughably high highs, the seriously absurd lows, and the fact that through it all, she’s probably end up dealing with diapers and messes and tears and bras with an unfortunate number of extra straps and snaps for days (if not years) to come, because if it isn't one thing, it's another.

The Feels

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Let's just start with the obvious, shall we? Surely, some women are beyond excited to wean but, alas, many of us are pretty conflicted about it.

The Aches And Pains

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Hasn't a mom been through enough? No, we're going to complicate the end of breastfeeding, too? That's actually a thing? Well, the universe has kind of a weird sense of humor, doesn't it? Ugh.

The Confusion (Your Baby's)

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It's equal parts sweet and heart-wrenching to see your kid reach for your shirt and then look up at you with wide, questioning eyes. By "sweet," of course, I mean "tear-jerking." Sill, you guys know that I mean.

The Confusion (Yours)

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Do I just close up shop? Do I pump? What if he wants breast milk? What if he cries? How does this actually work?

All The Ways That Your Body Changes

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Surely it'll be a little different for everyone, but I swear I'm seeing a comparable amount of physical changes to when I was postpartum. Life's not fair.

The Fear Of Losing A Connection To Your Baby

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Personally, my kid's dad is definitely the "fun parent," but at least I get to be the milk parent. I mean, I got to be the milk parent. Oh damn, this is going to be harder than I thought. *sniff*

Actually Losing A Connection To Your Baby

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Just think though, all the time you've spent breastfeeding with your baby can now be spent engaging with him or her in different ways, like singing, talking, dancing, or sitting silently together while UnReal plays on your television screen.

Um, What About This Milk?

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I mean, it stops coming eventually, right? That's a thing? I wont' be leaking forever. Someone tell me this ends.

The Groping And Grabbing

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In general, I find it sweet when my son reaches for me. Unless, of course, his reach is more of an attack on my torso, in which case, I'm not sure I'll mind an end to this phase.