Entertainment
We all knew it would happen. With Colton as the Bachelor, we expected an onslaught of terrible virgin jokes, and as soon as he was named the franchise's first virgin Bachelor, they started. Whether you support him as this season's Bachelor or have started to refer to him as "NotBlake" or "NotJason," you have to feel for the guy. All of the virgin jokes from The Bachelor season premiere were dead on arrival and if they're this annoying to viewers, then Colton has to be more than over them by now.
Every season, the Bachelor or Bachelorette in question as their "thing" that producers lean heavily into and unfortunately for Colton, it was his virginity. Judd Apatow even worked with The Bachelor to recreate a poster from his 2005 hit 40-Year-Old Virgin and add in Colton's face. Colton himself has been a good sport about it and made a few comical references to his virginity during the premiere.
While I still hope that this virgin train is one that comes to a screeching in the next couple of episodes, there were some zingers that were either thought up by producers or Colton's ladies themselves. Before the jokes die down, and I hope they will, let's take a quick look back at all of the virgin jokes from The Bachelor season premiere.
"What does he have to lose?" — Chris Harrison
Leave it to our boy Harrison to not miss an opportunity to mention Colton's virginity early in the three hour season premiere event. To his credit, he did later sit down with Colton to have a serious discussion about his virginity, but early on, Harrison joked about Colton having nothing to lose by being on The Bachelor. Har-har.
"The first virgin Bachelor!" — Jason
Jason shouted this during one of the handful of live Bachelor watch parties being broadcast to the Los Angeles theater Monday night. I guess he just had to get that in there. Maybe there was a rule that they had to mention Colton's virginity at least once every half hour?
"I'm just glad no one is talking about my virginity anymore." — Ashley I.
Ashley I.’s virginity has been a hot topic in the franchise for years and now that she's no longer the only one with her V-card, she's understandably relieved to have the pressure off.
"If I was the person Colton gave his virginity to, I would definitely bring out all the tricks." — Onyeka
Onyeka was one of many who mentioned Colton's virginity in her video intro package. I'm not saying I wouldn't also do the same thing, but maybe make it past the first rose ceremony before talking about what you'd do with Colton in the bedroom.
Cleaning Colton's teeth is "as close as you're gonna get." — Kirpa
Dental hygienist Kirpa joked during her intro package that she would love to clean Colton's teeth, even if that's as close as she'll get to the virgin Bachelor.
"If you only have a vanilla cupcake, how do you know you don't like chocolate?" — Demi
Demi also referenced Colton's lack of sexual experience in her intro package. At one point she referred to herself as "the damn confetti cake," so make of that what you will.
"Here’s to virgins and virgin cocktails." — Blake
Right before the actual premiere began, Blake toasted with Jason and some of the fans at their watch party and just had to mention virgins again. I'm telling you, there must have been a set quota for premiere night.
"Did you know dolphins are the only other creatures that enjoy sex for pleasure… other than Colton?" — Kaitlyn
At Kaitlyn and JoJo's Bachelor watch party in Dallas, Kaitlyn made a joke about Colton's virginity and animal sex habits at the same time. Does she get extra points for that?
"I haven’t dated a virgin since I was 12." — Demi
I still don't quite understand what Demi meant by the comment she made immediately after her limo exit, but Colton was still somehow impressed by her.
"I popped your cherry." — Caitlin
Caitlin didn't only make a verbal joke about Colton's virginity, but also gave him a red balloon that she theatrically popped. Afterward, she said she popped his cherry (though he thought the balloon was supposed to be an apple), so there's that.
"I just took your V-card." — Katie
After handing Colton a deck of cards and telling him to pick one and hand it to her, Katie held up the playing card, which had a 'V' on it, and told him that she now has his V-card. Well played.
"I know you take things slowly" — Alex D. (The Sloth)
Alex D. explained, in full sloth costume, that she knows Colton prefers to take things slowly with women. Could this have been another crack at his virginity? I'm gonna go with yes.
"Lets save these for the fantasy suite." — Colton
After Tracy arrived in a police car and told Colton that she's part of the fashion police, he made a joke about saving her handcuffs for later. Is it just me or is Colton fully embracing the virginity theme of the season at this point?
The good news is now that the premiere is out of the way, hopefully all of The Bachelor virgin jokes are over too. There might be a few more sprinkled in to make the season extra punny, but I have a feeling we’ve seen the worst of it. Now all that’s left is for Colton to find love and for the women to try not to fight over him too much. Stranger things have happened.
After a very frustrating first birth experience, this Deaf mother wanted a change. Will the help of two Deaf doulas give the quality communication and birth experience this mom wants and deserves? Watch Episode Four of Romper's Doula Diaries, Season Two, below, and visit Bustle Digital Group's YouTube page for more episodes.
