No one's happy all the time. You get upset when things don't go your way at work, when you have a fight with a friend, or you and your partner don't seem to be on the same page. That's normal. Still, even when you're livid with your partner, furious about something that happened, the most mad at them you've ever been, if they're really the one with whom you're meant to be, you know that, deep down. You don't wonder. If you've ever wondered these things more than once, your partner isn't the one, however. And even if you love them and even if it seems as though the two of you were meant to be in so many ways, ultimately, it just might not be right.
It's difficult to think about the things that might indicate that your relationship isn't meant to be, after all, and that it might, in fact, be wrong for you. Breaking up can be extremely difficult, whether you've been together for a short time or the two of you have built an entire life together. But if you know sooner rather than later that the relationship isn't right for you after all, you might be able to save you both some pain later on. Reaching out to a therapist if you're concerned, struggling, or unsure about if your relationship is right can help you sort things out and figure out how to get yourself out safely (if need be). If you're wondering about these sorts of things though, they're red flags that your partner might not actually be the right person for you, so you likely shouldn't ignore them.
1. Do They Share My Values?
If you question if you and your partner share the same values more than once, that's likely not a good sign that the relationship will work out. April Davis, a matchmaker, dating coach, and the founder of Luma — Luxury Matchmaking tells Romper by email that differences in core values like religious beliefs, whether or not they're health conscious, whether they want kids, and more can all pose difficulties if they're not shared. "These differences go up against people's strongest values," Davis says. "These values shape you as a person and are non-negotiables that aren't going to change. You may be able to look past it initially, but ultimately it will lead to major issues and even the demise of the relationship."
Though they might not ruin every relationship (there are plenty of couples who have different feelings on healthy lifestyles or religion, after all), if you're questioning these things more than once, it's a sign that it probably will negatively affect your relationship.
2. I'm Scared Of What They'll Do.
This is definitely a red flag. If they scare you or make you worried that they'll do something, that's a sure sign that this person isn't right for you. "There may be something off-putting about the person’s comments, demeanor, or reactions to you or another person," Dr. QuaVaundra Perry, PhD, a licensed psychologist, tells Romper in an email exchange. "Follow your intuition as it usually does not lead you astray."
3. Can I Trust Them?
If you're regularly questioning whether or not you can trust your partner, that's not a good sign. Davis says that this is definitely a sign that your relationship may not last and your partner may not be the one for you. You should be able to trust your partner. It shouldn't be up for debate.
4. It's Always Me Apologizing. They Never Apologize.
"If this thought secretly keeps coming up, it may be a sign you are not in a relationship with 'the one,'" Perry says. "While it is admirable and respectable for one to apologize for [their] mistakes, it is unreasonable to think only one person is to blame for all the problems in the relationship. If your partner never acknowledges [their] role in conflict, overly apologizing may leave you feeling resentful and unfairly responsible for 100 percent of the relationship in the long run."
Both people should be able to — and should — apologize when necessary. If you're always taking the blame and your partner refuses to take responsibility for what they've done, that's not a great sign.
5. Are They Treating Others Well?
"Most times, we do not look at red flags until after the damage has been done," Celeste Viciere, LMHC, a licensed mental health clinician, tells Romper by email. "If you notice that your partner is not treating [their] family, friends or even kids with respect, what makes you think they will treat you any differently?"
If you feel unsettled about how your partner treats other people, that's probably a sign that you're not with the right person for you.
6. I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore.
Being in a relationship shouldn't come at the expense of losing yourself. You shouldn't have to give up everything that you enjoy or that makes you you just because you're in a relationship with someone.
"Compromise in a relationship is expected, but it becomes harmful when you have acquiesced so much to please or keep your partner," Perry says. "It is important to maintain your own identity, goals, and values and losing those may indicate you have an unhealthy view of yourself and/or your partner."
7. I'm Only Happy Because Of My Relationship.
If you're not happy independently of your relationship, that's not a great sign. "One has to enter into a relationship understanding that a person alone cannot be the only reason why you feel whole or happy," Viciere says. "You have to go into a relationship with your partner being an added bonus to your happiness. This is a red flag because if you are looking for one person to complete you, it will be draining on your partner and can lead to more problems down the road."
If you've noticed that these sorts of things are on your mind quite frequently, you shouldn't expect that they'll simply go away. Viciere says that you should first spend some time reflecting on and evaluating your relationship. Then, if you and your partner think that there are things that you need to work on, seeking the help of a qualified counselor or therapist can be a good idea as well. Whether you're ultimately going to be able to figure things out or not, knowing that these sorts of concerns are warning signs that this person might not actually be the one for you can hopefully help you take action — for better or worse — before too much damage has been done.
Check out Romper's new video series, Bearing The Motherload, where disagreeing parents from different sides of an issue sit down with a mediator and talk about how to support (and not judge) each other’s parenting perspectives. New episodes air Mondays on Facebook.